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The company you are working for offers funds and required things to the groups of local community every year. Write a letter to your manager suggesting a group you know in your community. What is the group? Why do they do and why helping them is a good idea v.1

The company you are working for offers funds and required things to the groups of local community every year. Write a letter to your manager suggesting a group you know in your community. What is the group? Why do they do and why helping them is a good idea v. 1
Technological advances always have an impact on people at the task. Sometimes it can mean that people are no longer necessary in their jobs, but sometimes they make people work easier. We can define automation as scientific knowledge used for practical purposes in industry and commerce. I would also like to make a further distinction between this and high machinery, which is electronic or information technology. In my view, automation really began to have an effect on business in the early in the 20t century. The result of this was that certain industries like the car industry did not really need as many people, as automated machines and robots were able to do jobs such as painting the van, or putting the wagon together. However, if we now turn to look at the effect of high technology on the workplace, in my opinion, there has been a different effect. It is true that computers are able to do some things that people used to do and advanced in high machinery have made people's lives better through improvement in communication. For example, now we have e-mail, MSN and some electronic tool chat with friends or business partners. In addition, people working in services industries like banking use computers much more then pen and paper nowadays. In addition, some job can be done from home, which means that people do not need spend time travelling and can work where and when they want to. In conclusion, technology has resulted in unemployment in some traditional industries like car production. On the other hand, in other industries such as services industries, machinery has improved the way the performance.
Technological advances always have an impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at the task.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
it can mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are no longer necessary in their jobs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work easier. We can define automation as scientific knowledge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for practical purposes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
and commerce. I would
also
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
further
distinction between this and high machinery, which is electronic or information technology.

In my view, automation
really
began to have an effect on business in the early in the 20t century. The result of this was that certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
like the car
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
did not
really
need as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, as automated machines and robots were able to do jobs such as painting the van, or putting the wagon together.

However
, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
turn to look at the effect of high technology on the workplace, in my opinion, there has been a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
effect. It is true that computers are able to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do and advanced in high machinery have made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better through improvement in communication.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
we have e-mail, MSN and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
electronic tool chat with friends or business partners.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in services
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
like banking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers much more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
pen and paper nowadays.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
job can
be done
from home, which means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need
Did you mean "to spend"?
spend
time travelling and can work where and when they want to.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, technology has resulted in unemployment in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
like car production.
On the other hand
, in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
such as services
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
, machinery has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the way the performance.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay The company you are working for offers funds and required things to the groups of local community every year. Write a letter to your manager suggesting a group you know in your community. What is the group? Why do they do and why helping them is a good idea v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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