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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? “Successful persons try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well. v.399

“Successful persons try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well. v. 399
Every four years, the whole world stops to watch international sporting events such as the Olympics and the Football World Cup in which athletes show their best performance to make their country proud. These sporting occasions have proved to be helpful in easing international tension in difficult times when powerful leaders were trying to control the world’s economy and other governments were fighting over the land. The Olympic Games are one of the best examples which prove how sporting events can bring nations together, at least temporarily. From the Ancient History, when Greeks and Romans would interrupt battles to participate in the games, to the more recent international disputes, when athletes from Palestine and Israel would forget their differences, compete peacefully and even embrace each other after an event. Moreover, these popular events have called the world’s attention to the terrible consequences of wars; thus some leaders have tried to reach agreements to end their disputes and live peacefully. Similarly, international sporting events show benefits in some developing countries which live in a daily internal civil war. For example, Brazil has a high rate of unemployment, lack of education, hunger, crime, poverty and corruption which leads to an immense embarrassment of being Brazilian and a low self-esteem. However, when the Football World Cup starts, the Brazilian squad, which is considered the best team in the world, provokes an amazing feeling of pride in their country. Most people seem to forget all their problems and even the criminal activity decreases. They paint, roads with the national colours, wear the Brazilian team shirts and buy national flags. Moreover, the competition brings families and neighbours together and even rival gangs watch the games and celebrate peacefully. In conclusion, popular sporting events play an important role in decreasing international tensions and liberating patriotic feelings as history has shown.
Every four years, the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as the Olympics and the Football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Cup in which athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their best performance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their country proud. These sporting occasions have proved to be helpful in easing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
tension in difficult times when powerful leaders were trying to control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
economy and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
were fighting over the land.

The Olympic Games are one of the best examples which prove how sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
can bring nations together, at least
temporarily
. From the Ancient History, when Greeks and Romans would interrupt battles to participate in the games, to the more recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
disputes, when athletes from Palestine and Israel would forget their differences, compete
peacefully
and even embrace each other after an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
.
Moreover
, these popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
have called the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
attention to the terrible consequences of wars;
thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
leaders have tried to reach agreements to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their disputes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
peacefully
.

Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
benefits in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a daily internal civil war.
For example
, Brazil has a high rate of unemployment, lack of education, hunger, crime, poverty and corruption which leads to an immense embarrassment of being Brazilian and a low self-esteem.
However
, when the Football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Cup
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
, the Brazilian squad, which
is considered
the best team in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, provokes an amazing feeling of pride in their country. Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
seem to forget all their problems and even the criminal activity decreases. They paint, roads with the national
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
, wear the Brazilian team shirts and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
national flags.
Moreover
, the competition brings families and
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
together and even rival gangs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the games and celebrate
peacefully
.

In conclusion
, popular sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in decreasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
tensions and liberating patriotic feelings as history has shown.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay “Successful persons try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well. v. 399

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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