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Working hours today are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. What is your opinion on this? v.2

Working hours today are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. What is your opinion on this? v. 2
Hardly a day goes by without the subject of working hours. Nowadays, it is very popular to be workaholic, since this can bring you a lot of money. However, I am absolutely sure, that out society have to work for its own future generations. For my opinion, we have to work, because we do not know what can be happened in the future, but for the other hand we also should find a time to take a rest to not to be mad after 10 years of non stop working. Today, most of us live in huge cities, which are widespread for kilometers. That is why people have to spend almost all day in traffic jams, on tube for commuting. For example, having conducted a research among people from Japan, scientists have revealed that 70 % of them spend more than 5 hours on the streets to get to the jobs. After long working day, people got tired and can not have a talk with their own families. Also, a lot of people know that they must work to feed the children, to save money for a rainy day. You need sacrifice your own interests and hobbies to get more money, do not made redundant. It is quite often that people go to the job which they are literally hate. For example, in 2017 it was reported in New York Times that every third man do not like his job. Taking everything in account, it must be said that our society has become workaholic and we should change it as soon as possible to save us and our families.
Hardly a day goes by without the subject of working hours. Nowadays, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular to be workaholic, since this can bring you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.
However
, I am
absolutely
sure, that out society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
future generations. For my opinion, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we do not know what can
be happened
in the future,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the other hand we
also
should find a time to take a rest
One 'to' seems to be obsolete.
to not to
be mad after 10 years of non
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, most of us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in huge cities, which are widespread for kilometers.
That is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend almost all day in traffic jams, on tube for commuting.
For example
, having conducted
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from Japan, scientists have revealed that 70 % of them spend more than 5 hours on the streets to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to the jobs. After long working day,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
tired and can not have a talk with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
families.

Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work to feed the children, to save money for a rainy day. You need sacrifice your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interests and hobbies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more money, do not made redundant. It is quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to the job which they are
literally
hate.
For example
, in 2017 it
was reported
in New York Times that every third
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
do not like his job.

Taking everything in account, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be said
that our society has become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
workaholic and
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
it as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible to save us and our families.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Working hours today are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. What is your opinion on this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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