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TPO 08 agree or disagree: television advertising directed towards young children (age two to five) should not be allowed. v.2

TPO 08 agree or disagree: television advertising directed towards young children (age two to five) should not be allowed. v. 2
Whether television advertisements ought to exactly aim young kids or not is a convoluted question and has been a matter of argumentation among people for a long time. On one hand, some individuals agree with this opinion because they think that this will benefit manufacturers whose products are related to little toddlers. On the other hand, others believe that this is a harmful idea since it may damage their future by so many ways. Personally, I comply with the latter suggestion in spite of the fact that the former one seems to be more acceptable and has more aficionados. My answer to this debating bone of contention is twofold. In the following, the rationale behind my choice will be elaborated by the most outstanding, solid proofs. The first and foremost explanation is that children in these ages are not mature enough to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate contents; therefore, they are prone to make incorrect judgments by watching these advertisements. To put it into a more vivid picture, researchers from RMIT university, one of the leading universities in Australia, conducted a survey of parents with young offspring among whom they disseminated a questionnaire and realized that obesity is more in children who like to watch food-related advertisements. It is good to be noted that most of these advertisements are made to increase the producers' profit, so they may not really consider the children' s health issues. As an illustration, there was a famous advertisement in England which encouraged kids to drink a well-known orange juice as it contained Vitamin C. A girl used to drink one liter of that brand' s orange juice every day, but after three months, her face turned orange due to the fact that the factory used color instead of real oranges. Moreover, these children may intimate some actions which they see in these advertisements which can affect them badly. For instance, there was a famous advertisement in USA which showed that little kids eat a snack after their school. This specific advertisement influence almost all children in America in the late 19' s insomuch as all of them used to eat an extra unhealthy meal. The second and equally important reason is that these advertisements can distract kids from the activities which are substantial for their development by showing them unnecessary hobbies, such as video games. Scholars have found that children who insist on doing the activities which are dictated to them from the advertisements will not be hired in senior positions in their 20' s. For instance, my cousin loved to watch advertisements of " Play Station 3" (a videogame brand); thus, instead of being attracted by useful activies like reading books, he addicted to these wasteful games even though his parents tried their best to make him quit. In conclusion, as the aforementioned rationalizations and facts, media should not allow the producers to provide these advertisements which aim small kids. As these toddlers are premature they will be misled and distracted from far-reaching activities. Furthermore, they will incline to consume the foods which are not healthy and nutritious. Still, this question has mutually exclusive hypotheses, so there are other probable ideas about it. Therefore, neither are my assumptions robustly content, nor do others' explanations take into account.
Whether television
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
ought to exactly aim young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
or not is a convoluted question and has been a matter of argumentation among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for a long time. On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this will benefit manufacturers whose products
are related
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
toddlers. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others believe that this is a harmful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
since it may damage their future by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
Personally
, I comply with the latter suggestion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that the former one seems to be more acceptable and has more aficionados. My answer to this debating bone of contention is twofold. In the following, the rationale behind my choice will
be elaborated
by the most outstanding, solid proofs.

The
first
and foremost explanation is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in these ages are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate contents;
therefore
, they are prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
incorrect judgments by watching these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. To put it into a more vivid picture, researchers from
Possible spelling mistake found.
RMIT
university, one of the leading universities in Australia, conducted a survey of parents with young offspring among whom they disseminated a questionnaire and realized that obesity is more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
food-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
be noted
that most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are made
to increase the
Possible spelling mistake found.
producers&
#039; profit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they may not
really
consider the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s health issues. As an illustration, there was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
in England which encouraged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to drink a well-known orange juice as it contained
The word 'vitamin' is normally not capitalized in the expression "vitamin C"
Vitamin C
. A girl
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to drink one liter of that
Possible spelling mistake found.
brand&
#039; s orange juice every day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after three months, her face turned orange due to the fact that the factory
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
color
instead
of real oranges.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may intimate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actions which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
which can affect them
badly
.
For instance
, there was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
eat a snack after their school. This specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
influence almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in America in the late 19' s insomuch as all of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to eat an extra unhealthy meal.

The second and
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can distract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
from the activities which are substantial for their development by showing them unnecessary hobbies, such as video games. Scholars have found that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who insist on doing the activities which
are dictated
to them from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
will not
be hired
in senior positions in their 20' s.
For instance
, my cousin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
;
This word is normally spelled as one.
Play Station
3" (a
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogame
brand);
thus
,
instead
of
being attracted
by useful
Possible spelling mistake found.
activies
like reading books, he addicted to these wasteful games
even though
his parents tried their best to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him quit.

In conclusion
, as the aforementioned rationalizations and facts, media should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the producers to provide these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
which aim
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. As these toddlers are premature they will
be misled
and distracted from far-reaching activities.
Furthermore
, they will incline to consume the foods which are not healthy and nutritious.
Still
, this question has
mutually
exclusive hypotheses,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
probable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
about it.
Therefore
, neither are my assumptions
robustly
content, nor do
Possible spelling mistake found.
others&
#039; explanations take into account.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 08 agree or disagree: television advertising directed towards young children (age two to five) should not be allowed. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
544 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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