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Working hours are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. v.1

Working hours are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. v. 1
People have begun facing more challenges in their life as the world is always transforming into a more modern one where human beings have to deal with an increasing number of competitions to survive. Consequently, longer time must be spent for working. I do agree that this will lead to declines in the number of hours spent for families or even leisure activities. For some people, this can really be frustrating, while others can still enjoy this condition. There are three reasons why some people experience more working time today. Firstly, the economic or financial condition will force those whose income is still low and need supports from other livelihood or longer time in the same job. Secondly, some people also perform a great number of activities every day as a lifestyle because they really love their jobs. Thirdly, as responsibilities they bear, people in some areas such as arms have to deal with every consequence even if they are needed to take part in a war raging for a certain or uncertain period of time. However, the effects of this situation where working hours are more are not always worse. For those who do this because of a low financial condition when they must work under a stressful condition even when their employers are very strict and unfriendly, this is truly desperate for both themselves and their families. In contrast, for those with the remaining two reasons, it is apparently to be fascinating because they work as they love their jobs or as their responsibilities for other people such as their countries, which in turn can bring them and their families some tremendous satisfaction or pride even though they should inescapably feel or enjoy less time together. Regarding this, in my perspective, considering what kinds of jobs we like to do and being prepared for that can help us to be more independent while choosing any livelihoods. By doing this, everyone can find them always fun as his or her lifestyle. All in all, despite the increasing working hours experienced by many people nowadays which will cause less togetherness with families as well as the lack of leisure activities, we can deal with this by preparing a better future since the very beginning so that more opportunities and choices will open.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have begun facing more challenges in their life as the world is always transforming into a more modern one where human beings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with an increasing number of competitions to survive.
Consequently
, longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be spent
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this will lead to declines in the number of hours spent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
or even leisure activities. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, this can
really
be frustrating, while others can
still
enjoy this condition.

There are three reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
experience more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Firstly
, the economic or financial condition will force those whose income is
still
low and need supports from other livelihood or longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
perform a great number of activities every day as a lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Thirdly
, as responsibilities they bear,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
areas such as arms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with every consequence even if they
are needed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in a war raging for a certain or uncertain period of time.

However
, the effects of this situation where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours are more are not always worse. For those who do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a low financial condition when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work under a stressful condition even when their employers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strict and
unfriendly
, this is
truly
desperate for both themselves and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
In contrast
, for those with the remaining two reasons, it is
apparently
to be fascinating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they work as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
or as their responsibilities for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as their countries, which in turn can bring them and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tremendous satisfaction or pride
even though
they should
inescapably
feel or enjoy less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
together.

Regarding this, in my perspective, considering what kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
we like to do and
being prepared
for that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to be more independent while choosing any livelihoods. By doing this, everyone can find them always fun as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
lifestyle.

All in all, despite the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours experienced by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays which will cause less togetherness with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
as well
as the lack of leisure activities, we can deal with this by preparing a better future since the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beginning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that more opportunities and choices will open.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Working hours are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
382 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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