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Nowadays the way modern society is developing is being shaped by people's migration to large cities. In what ways is the migration to large cities affecting society? Has this become a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays the way modern society is developing is being shaped by people's migration to large cities. In what ways is the migration to large cities affecting society? Has this become a positive or negative development? v. 1
Nowadays, urbanisation has changed people’s lifestyle thoroughly. Those living in suburbs or rural areas have gradually moved into central cities to find better opportunities, not only for a job but for accommodation, better life and advanced facilities. From my point of view, this modification has had more drawbacks to communities. To begin with, two important reasons have led individuals to select sprawling cities as the best places for living. One is that they are more to find better job positions. Clearly, the branches of many multinational companies are located in large cities than in small cities. For example, a fresh computer graduate living in a small village of the USA is rarely able to find an appropriate career in his place, while by moving and living in Los Angeles, he will be able to apply for IBM, HP, Microsoft or other international corporations. Another benefit is that they can have a better lifestyle. Obviously, urban inhabitants can have more options to inhabit, like living in skyscrapers or luxurious huge mansions which might not be found in suburb areas. The advancement of technology and modernisation are fewer in rural areas than those in the city. Finally factories, industries and other companies also attract labours and blue collar job seekers and that’s another reason many people move to large cities. This migration trend has changed the social structure and the economy of cities. The cities are expanding faster and the increasing population are also creating many issues that were rare in the past. The huge population from different ethnicity, educational status and religion has created a mixed culture in the cities. Apart from the positive aspects, this mixed culture offers, many social and environmental problems are also being created because of that. In my view, this change of living condition has had more negative consequences than having more probable advantages. One obvious disadvantage is raising the density of air pollutants in cities. Unfortunately, using more private cars in metropolitan, dwellers are faced numerous heart and lung problems. In particular, had the government of Tehran, the capital of Iran, prohibited migration of rural people there, the rate of morbidity and mortality would have dropped fundamentally since last three decades. According to medical officials’ report, just over 40000 of humans in Tehran died because of air pollution in 2014. Furthermore, traffic congestion has been deteriorated in urban areas. Admittedly, as the population grew, more private cars were to be used, leading traffic loads inflated far considerably and causing people to have more stress. However, controlling of immigration of villagers could reduce traffic jams, and citizens had less tension in their daily life. To sum up, although displacement of humans into major urban areas has had some credible benefits, its negative influences must not be forgotten. Increasing the density of air emissions and traffic congestion are the two prominent consequences that have jeopardised city dwellers’ lives because of mass immigration.
Nowadays,
Possible spelling mistake. 'urbanisation' is British English.
urbanisation
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
lifestyle
thoroughly
. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in suburbs or rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
have
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
into central
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
opportunities, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for accommodation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
life and advanced facilities. From my point of view, this modification has had more drawbacks to communities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons have led individuals to select sprawling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
as the best places for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
. One is that they are more to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
job positions.
Clearly
, the branches of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are located
in large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
than in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
For example
, a fresh computer graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village of the USA is rarely able to find an appropriate career in his place, while by moving and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in Los Angeles, he will be able to apply for IBM, HP, Microsoft or other international corporations. Another benefit is that they can have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
lifestyle.
Obviously
, urban inhabitants can have more options to inhabit, like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in skyscrapers or luxurious huge mansions which might not
be found
in suburb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. The advancement of technology and
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernisation' is British English.
modernisation
are fewer in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
than those in the city.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
factories, industries and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
also
attract
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
and blue collar job seekers and that’s another reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to large cities.

This migration trend has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the social structure and the economy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are expanding faster and the increasing population are
also
creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues that were rare in the past. The huge population from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnicity, educational status and religion has created a mixed culture in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. Apart from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects, this mixed culture offers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social and environmental problems are
also
being created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that.

In my view, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
condition has had more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "than". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences than
having more probable advantages. One obvious disadvantage is raising the density of air pollutants in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. Unfortunately, using more private cars in metropolitan, dwellers
are faced
numerous heart and lung problems.
In particular
, had the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Tehran, the capital of Iran, prohibited migration of rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
there, the rate of morbidity and mortality would have dropped
fundamentally
since last three decades. According to medical officials’ report,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 40000 of humans in Tehran
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of air pollution in 2014.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion has
been deteriorated
in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
Admittedly
, as the population grew, more private cars were to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
, leading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
loads inflated far
considerably
and causing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
However
, controlling of immigration of villagers could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
jams, and citizens had less tension in their daily life.

To sum up, although displacement of humans into major urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
has had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
credible benefits, its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
be forgotten
. Increasing the density of air emissions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion are the two prominent consequences that have
Possible spelling mistake. 'jeopardised' is British English.
jeopardised
city dwellers’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mass immigration.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays the way modern society is developing is being shaped by people's migration to large cities. In what ways is the migration to large cities affecting society? Has this become a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
485 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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