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(work with mistakes)Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

(work with mistakes)Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. v. 2
Some aver that sport develops in progeny a desire to compete. At the same time, there are those who state that offspring are taught how to be team players. Below both prospects will be discussed in details and author’s opinion will be stated. On the one hand, sport embodies the idea of competition itself. In fact, almost all sports events are aimed to figure out who is the fastest, the strongest or the best at a particular activity, for instance, success of any country that takes part in Olympic Games is measured by a number of trophies and medals its athletes have won. Consequently, seeking victory is the main goal of sport that encourages children to rival each other. On the other hand, some state that taking part in sports activities teaches how to be a part of a team. In fact, there are many games such as football and baseball where groups of players compete with one another. Perhaps those players indeed learn how to cooperate but there is still a competition not only among teams but also among members of each teams as well because only the best of them will play and those who are less gifted, talented or competitive will spend their time on the bench. Moreover, closer look at any individualistic sport would reveal that there is almost no place for team effort. For instance, such kind of athletics as running assumes that there is only one champion and this implies that even members of the same athletic team are seeking the same prize. Thus, there is little room for working together. Therefore, although children could learn how to work in a team, this skill seems to have only secondary importance. In my opinion, children who participate in variety of sport activities are mainly taught how to protect their interests and how to achieve success, in other words, youngsters learn how to compete, and they are also told that sometimes in order to be first they need cooperate with others and this team work allows them to become the best. Thus, an understanding that competition and rivalry is essential for achieving success is acquired by children from taking part in sport.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
aver that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
develops in progeny a desire to compete. At the same time, there are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
state that offspring
are taught
how to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
players. Below both prospects will
be discussed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
and author’s opinion will
be stated
.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
embodies the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of competition itself. In fact, almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are aimed
to figure out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is the fastest, the strongest or the best at a particular activity,
for instance
, success of any country that takes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
in Olympic Games
is measured
by a number of trophies and medals its athletes have won.
Consequently
, seeking victory is the main goal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
that encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to rival each other.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
state that taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities teaches how to be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
. In fact, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
games such as football and baseball where groups of players compete with one another. Perhaps those players
indeed
learn how to cooperate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is
still
a competition not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
among members of each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "team"?
teams
as well
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
the best of them will play and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are less gifted, talented or competitive will spend their time on the bench.
Moreover
, closer look at any individualistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
would reveal that there is almost no place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
effort.
For instance
, such kind of athletics as running assumes that there is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
one champion and
this implies that
even members of the same athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
are seeking the same prize.
Thus
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
room for working together.
Therefore
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could learn how to work in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
seems to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
secondary importance.

In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
participate in variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities are
mainly
taught how to protect their interests and how to achieve success,
in other words
, youngsters learn how to compete, and they are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
in order to be
first
they need cooperate with others and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to become the best.
Thus
, an understanding that competition and rivalry is essential for achieving success
is acquired
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
22Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay (work with mistakes)Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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