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(work with mistakes)Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

(work with mistakes)Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. v. 1
Each and every creation of God requires a companion to live. Nowadays, many of the people are falling into depression due to the loneliness. This has become a dilemma in society, which have to be handled seriously. In this essay, let us discuss the problem arouse being alone and can find some remedies. First of all, the main victims of loneliness are elder people. The aged parents will be alone at the residence when others go for their works. As everyone is busy with their phones, the elders might feel lonely, even though everybody is under the same roof. All these can lead to melancholy and related health problems. Secondly, some group of people is facing sadness and abandonment due to any disease, which can be contagious. For example, some illness such as Alzheimer-a short term or long-term memory loss, skin diseases can keep the people as introverts or folks. Thirdly, the lonesomeness can create plenty of health problems such as anxiety, depression, fatigue, loss of appetite, so on. These can devastate that person’s mind, which can subsequently lead to the fatal suicidal thoughts. Furthermore, as per the recent survey by a US based research organisation, about 20% of US citizens are under desolation and the recent suicidal rates add points to the depression. In order to defeat the problems related to isolation, everybody has to hold their hands together. Arranging family get-together, spending at least 1 hour daily to listen elderly parents, eating together are some home remedies which can eliminate the sad feelings in elders at home. Visiting the person whom you find feeling abandoned, calling them, showing some patience to listen them, encouraging them, inviting them to home for a meeting or take them for out, enhancing social support, are some methods to evacuate this issue of the society, we live. We must all unite our efforts to break this vicious cycle that has major repercussions on our community. To conclude, there is a pair for every important part of our body. Everyone deserves a companion, whether it is an animal or a human. It is irrefutable that the seclusion can be a fatal complication in the society. Strong chains can be built only by joining small-small pieces. Likewise, be considerate, help those in trouble, thus can despoil the loneliness from the nature.
Each and every creation of God requires a companion to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are falling into depression due to the loneliness. This has become a dilemma in society, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be handled
seriously
. In this essay,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us discuss the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
arouse being alone and can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
remedies.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main victims of loneliness are elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The aged parents will be alone at the residence when others go for their works. As everyone is busy with their phones, the elders might feel lonely,
even though
everybody is under the same roof. All these can lead to melancholy and related health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is facing sadness and abandonment due to any disease, which can be contagious.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
illness such as Alzheimer-a short term or long-term memory loss, skin diseases can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as introverts or folks.
Thirdly
, the lonesomeness can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as anxiety, depression, fatigue, loss of appetite,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. These can devastate that person’s mind, which can
subsequently
lead to the fatal suicidal thoughts.
Furthermore
, as per the recent survey by a US based research
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, about 20% of US citizens are under desolation and the recent suicidal rates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
points to the depression.

In order to defeat the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
related to isolation, everybody
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
hold their hands together. Arranging family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
-together, spending at least 1 hour daily to listen elderly parents, eating together are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
home remedies which can eliminate the sad feelings in elders at home. Visiting the person whom you find feeling abandoned, calling them, showing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
patience to listen them, encouraging them, inviting them to home for a meeting or take them for out, enhancing social support, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
methods to evacuate this issue of the society, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
all unite our efforts to break this vicious cycle that has major repercussions on our community.

To conclude
, there is a pair for every
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our body. Everyone deserves a companion, whether it is an animal or a human. It is irrefutable that the seclusion can be a fatal complication in the society. Strong chains can
be built
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by joining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
pieces.
Likewise
, be considerate,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those in trouble,
thus
can despoil the loneliness from the nature.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay (work with mistakes)Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
386 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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