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In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural conditions or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.2

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural conditions or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2
Afghanistan is a developing and poor country that needs to be developed and industrialized. Clearly, land usage can play an important role in that process. The Small population of the country and the necessity of industrialization are the key factors that I think there is more need for lands to be developed in housing and industry. First of all, the small population of Afghanistan areis, in many regions and metropolitans, concentrated in small areas and there is a need for lands to be developed for a dwelling of such a compacted population. For example, in Kabul, the capital, a large population are have dwelled in a relatively small metropolitan. Only a little portion of the city, where called the New Kabul, enjoys the advantage of an acceptable and appropriate housing and dwelling conditions. Nevertheless, the majority of inhabitants of the city are living in poor and difficult conditions in compacted areas, needing a larger space to live and enjoy the life. Consequently, many municipal services, such as trash gathering, can not be done in such compacted areas. As a result, most of the dwellers are exposed to many harmful infectious diseases in those areas. In addition, since many members of the city dwellers are young people, they need hobby and entertainment facilities such as football fields, tennis clubs, cinema etc. So, developing the natural lands and turning them into metropolitan areas is essential for the country. Second, Such a country which is less developed needs to extend its industrial areas such as dairy and textile manufactures. Since Afghanistan is less contributing to, and therefore less responsible for, the global warming, the leaders should invest more and more in developing and extending the industry sector. This is especially essential because many staple commodities are being imported in the post-war years. If the authorities decide to encourage investors to extend the land usage, they may promote the self-sufficiency indexes of the country. Hence, it so important to turn the natural lands into industrial complexes. All in all, I think in my country, Afghanistan, there is more need to develop and use lands for housing and industrial purposes. If the leaders decide to increase the land usage, many social and economics challenges could be solved.
Afghanistan is a developing and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
and industrialized.
Clearly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
usage can play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in that process. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and the necessity of industrialization are the key factors that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
in housing and industry.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of Afghanistan
Possible spelling mistake found.
areis
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
regions and metropolitans, concentrated in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
and there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
for a dwelling of such a compacted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
For example
, in Kabul, the capital, a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
are
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
have
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "dwelt", the past tense form of the verb 'dwell'?
dwelled
in a
relatively
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
metropolitan.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
portion of the city, where called the New Kabul, enjoys the advantage of an acceptable and appropriate housing and dwelling conditions.
Nevertheless
, the majority of inhabitants of the city are living in poor and difficult conditions in compacted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, needing a larger space to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and enjoy the life.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
municipal services, such as trash gathering, can not
be done
in such compacted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
As a result
, most of the dwellers
are exposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
harmful infectious diseases in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
In addition
, since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
members of the city dwellers are young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
hobby and entertainment facilities such as football fields, tennis clubs, cinema etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, developing the natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
and turning them into metropolitan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is essential for the country.

Second, Such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
which is less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to extend its industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
such as dairy and textile manufactures. Since Afghanistan is less contributing to, and
therefore
less responsible for, the global warming, the leaders should invest more and more in developing and extending the industry sector. This is
especially
essential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
staple commodities are
being imported
in the post-war years. If the authorities decide to encourage investors to extend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
usage, they may promote the self-sufficiency indexes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Hence
,
It seems that a verb is missing.
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to turn the natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
into industrial complexes.

All in all, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, Afghanistan, there is more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to develop and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lands
for housing and industrial purposes. If the leaders decide to increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
land
usage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
social and economics challenges could
be solved
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural conditions or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
372 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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