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Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. v. 1
Due to modern technology and globalization, people and other countries became close to each other nowadays, particularly when it comes to studies. The writer, will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development, followed by a conclusion. To start with, graduated students before we're expected to continue their master's degree in the same country where they studied, because people are still living in a conventional way and globalization are not yet popular way back years ago. For instance, My cousin took up his master's degree in Manila, which is the capital city of the Philippines. One advantage was that it is cheaper compared to the other state and it is near to his family. Hence, he could able to see often his loved ones. However, studying in the other countries like Australia, America, and New Zealand is trending nowadays, particularly to the Individuals that can afford to continue their professions and to upgrade their knowledge and skills. They are numerous advantages of taking a master's degree in the other state as I mention above. First, it is an opportunity to enhance their skills about the kind of job they have. Another one is that, it is an edge to them when they will apply for the higher position like supervisor, and the head of the office. Apart from that, they could get a desirable work. For instance, my friend who chose to pursue her profession in Australia, then, after a year she was hired by the head of the hospital as nurse in Brisbane. She is still working until now at that Institution. Consequently, better opportunity and they could get a higher salary. To sum up, although, upgrading a career in own country is considered, however, due to globalization, graduated students in this modern era are inspired to upgrade their career in the developed countries for the better opportunities.
Due to modern technology and globalization,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
became close to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nowadays,
particularly
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to studies. The writer, will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development, followed by a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, graduated students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
we're
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to continue their master's degree in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
where they studied,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
still
living
Consider replacing "in a conventional way" with the adverb for "conventional"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a conventional way
and globalization are not
yet
popular way back years ago.
For instance
, My cousin took up his master's degree in Manila, which is the capital city of the Philippines. One advantage was that it is cheaper compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
state and it is near to his family.
Hence
, he
Did you mean "could be able"?
could able
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.

However
, studying in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Australia, America, and New Zealand is trending nowadays,
particularly
to the Individuals that can afford to continue their professions and to upgrade their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. They are numerous advantages of taking a master's degree in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
state as I mention above.
First
, it is an opportunity to enhance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
about the kind of job they have. Another one is that, it is an edge to them when they will apply for the higher position like supervisor, and the head of the office. Apart from that, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a desirable work.
For instance
, my friend who chose to pursue her profession in Australia, then, after a year she
was hired
by the head of the hospital as nurse in Brisbane. She is
still
working until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
at that Institution.
Consequently
, better
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opportunity and
they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher salary.

To sum up, although, upgrading a career in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is considered
,
however
, due to globalization, graduated students in this modern era
are inspired
to upgrade their career in the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
for the better opportunities.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn team work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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