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Some people believe that an academic education is important for young people. Others believe that experience of the real world and travel is more beneficial. Discuss both views then give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that an academic education is important for young people. Others believe that experience of the real world and travel is more beneficial. v. 1
Due to developing technology, picture and word in journal, advertisement and newspaper was becoming more beautiful and easier to read that makes the producer can give resident lots of good information. Personally, I completely agree that the good news should be used more than bad news. There are two main reasons why journalists should write positive news. One reason is that help resident has a good sense of life this mean bad news can make human have a negative perception of life. A few months ago, when individual was worried about a criminal committing murder, however, many people posted on the Internet that he had fled or more human was killed. Which renders individual own ugly awareness that they could kill others, then run then run away. Another reason is that bad news disrupts our thinking this means news items distract and engage us in something other than what we must do. Our ability to focus diminishes the most often we read. For example, in over the world, many countries are facing with the deadly plague called Covid-19. Have a lot of fake news was uploaded that leads to citizen can’t work online because they are caught up negative news. Which makes resident always think they must keep up to date with the news. In conclusion, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that in the internet or newspaper we should increase positive good news in their publication. However, from my personally, the government in any country need to improve network security for repelling bad and fake news
Due to developing technology, picture and word in journal, advertisement and newspaper was becoming more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and easier to read that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the producer can give resident lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
information.
Personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
news.

There are two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why journalists should write
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. One
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
resident has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
sense of life this mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
human have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
perception of life. A few months ago, when individual
was worried
about a criminal committing murder,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
posted on the Internet that he had fled or more human
was killed
. Which renders individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ugly awareness that they could kill others,
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "then run".
then run then run
away.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
disrupts our thinking this means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
items distract and engage us in something other than what we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do. Our ability to focus diminishes the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
we read.
For example
, in over the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are facing with the deadly plague called Covid-19. Have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
was uploaded
that leads to citizen can’t work online
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are caught
up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
resident always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up to date with the news.

In conclusion
, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
I have mentioned above, I
strongly
believe that in the internet or newspaper we should increase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
in their publication.
However
, from my
personally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in any country need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
network security for repelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
and fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people believe that an academic education is important for young people. Others believe that experience of the real world and travel is more beneficial. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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