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Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.3

Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. v. 3
Women should be treated fairly when it comes to Job opportunities. In our country, there are a couple of profiles where Men are considered to be fit for the role, like The Army or Police Officer. I completely agree with the fact that nowadays females are equally talented, can perform better. They should not be treated anything less than a Man. Firstly, It is the fundamental right of every citizen to choose his or her profession, irrespective of their gender. By this I mean, females should be free to choose their own field of work. For example: Women should not limit themselves to household work. People need to understand the fact that Women are not meant for Kitchen, they are much more beyond that. In rural areas, due to lack of education, Women are not even aware of their basic rights and which leads to gender discrimination. Secondly, If women are given equal job offers to serve the nation, it will make The country appreciative. Because this will encourage more Women to step forward and fulfil their dreams, whatever they wish to be. For example: A recent study has shown a growth of 65% for XYZ company by hiring female employees. Therefore, it is recommended to hire female employees across all the sectors, Like Private or Government. To summarise, education for Women empowerment should be given in School, Colleges, and Universities. Women are the roots of the country, they should be respected wherever they go. A nation which has women in power will always be respected at international platforms.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
should
be treated
fairly
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to Job opportunities. In our country, there are a couple of profiles where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
are considered
to
be fit
for the role, like The Army or Police Officer. I completely
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are
equally
talented, can perform better. They should not
be treated
anything less than a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Man
.

Firstly
, It is the fundamental right of every citizen to choose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
profession, irrespective of their gender. By this I mean,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
should be free to choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
field of work.
For example
:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
should not limit themselves to household work.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
need to understand the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are not meant for Kitchen, they are much more beyond that. In rural areas, due to lack of education,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are not even aware of their basic rights and which leads to gender discrimination.

Secondly
, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal job offers to serve the nation, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
The country appreciative.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
this will encourage more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
to step forward and fulfil their dreams, whatever they wish to be.
For example
: A recent study has shown a growth of 65% for XYZ
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
by hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employees.
Therefore
, it
is recommended
to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employees across all the sectors, Like Private or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
empowerment should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in School, Colleges, and Universities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are the roots of the country, they should
be respected
wherever they go. A nation which has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in power will always
be respected
at international platforms.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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