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7. Some people think that in this modern world people are getting dependent on each other, while others think the modern world makes people more independent of each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

7. Some people think that in this modern world people are getting dependent on each other, while others think the modern world makes people more independent of each other. v. 1
The modernisation has made some individuals either to be more reliant to each other or, conversely, to be independent of the other. However, in my viewpoint, as the time has progressed, the modern life forces us to be more independent than people were in the past. This essay will investigate both very topical debates as a deeper reason. People who advocate that we become interdependent in this modern era, due to their minds in requiring others to fulfil their necessities. First and foremost, the interaction with others is essential for them, it is extremely supported the workers in their activities. For instance, most of the officers would have to rely on laundry service, restaurant, housemaid, cleaning service and many others to easily undergo their daily activities. Moreover, to have a standard living, the parents have to earn a lot of money for their families. By means, the children need to depend on their parents until they could get a job. On the other hand, I would agree that humans nowadays are more independent. Firstly, the advanced technology is referring to the self-reliant for each individual in this era. To exemplify, most of students would prefer to study through the internet instead of having neither tutor nor private teacher. Other kinds of sophisticated things as modern tools and devices such as vacuum cleaner, washing machine etc. , which could replace the housemaid. Besides, the common services could also be replaced by the competent system. Taking travel application for touring around the world as an instance which is a preferred way for many people. By way of conclusion, although, some humans believe that they have to depend to others, yet I personally state that we are more independent of others in this contemporary instead.
The
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernisation' is British English.
modernisation
has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals either to be more reliant to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
or,
conversely
, to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
However
, in my viewpoint, as the time has progressed, the modern life forces us to be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were in the past. This essay will investigate both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
topical debates as a deeper reason.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who advocate that we become interdependent in this modern era, due to their minds in requiring others to fulfil their necessities.
First
and foremost, the interaction with others is essential for them, it is
extremely
supported the workers in their activities.
For instance
, most of the officers would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely on laundry service, restaurant, housemaid, cleaning service and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others to
easily
undergo their daily activities.
Moreover
, to have a standard living, the parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money for their families. By means, the children need to depend on their parents until they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that humans nowadays are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
.
Firstly
, the advanced technology is referring to the self-reliant for each individual in this era. To exemplify,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the students") or simply say "most students".
most of students
would prefer to study through the internet
instead
of having neither tutor nor private teacher.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
kinds of sophisticated things as modern tools and devices such as vacuum cleaner, washing machine etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which could replace the housemaid.
Besides
, the common services could
also
be replaced
by the competent system. Taking travel application for touring around the world as an instance which is a preferred way for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

By way of conclusion, although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
humans believe that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
to others,
yet
I
personally
state that we are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
independent
of others in this contemporary
instead
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 7. Some people think that in this modern world people are getting dependent on each other, while others think the modern world makes people more independent of each other. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • 7. Some people think that in this modern world people are getting dependent on each other, while others think the modern world makes people more independent of each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1