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Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. v. 1
In this modern world, workplaces generally do not have any kind of gender discriminations. Although, men are given more priority to be a part of some workforces, like police or army, some people argue that women should be given equal priorities in such fields. In my opinion, women should be given enough chances in such national security divisions, but there is no need of an equal participation. Firstly, everyone dreams of an egalitarian society where people are equally facilitated with all the opportunities. Besides, women are now well educated and capable of doing jobs in which high risks and pressure are involved. For example, Nirmala Seetharaman, who was the minister of national defence of India from September 2017 to May 2019, illustrates women's ability to perform jobs which were considered only for men. Secondly, there are so many positions available in the army and police divisions, where employees need to work inside the office handling some analytical tasks, which can be occupied by women. On the other hand, working as a police or army personnel, require high physical strength, which makes these jobs more suitable for men; it is quite natural that men possess more strength than women. The security forces of a country always have to go through tough physical situations, like crawling through terrains and carrying heavy ammunitions. For example, police force may encounter rigorous fights with protesters on the street, carrying heavy arms and safety equipments. As per some feminists, if governments set aside equal opportunity for women in such fields, it will reduce the overall efficiency of the force. To sum up, considering the facts that employment in a police or army require high physical power, I opine that there is no need to have an equal role for both men and women. However, women should not be banned from such opportunities considering their equality rights.
In this modern world, workplaces
generally
do not have any kind of gender discriminations. Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more priority to be a part of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
workforces
, like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
priorities in such fields. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
chances in such national security divisions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is no need of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
participation.

Firstly
, everyone dreams of an egalitarian society where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
equally
facilitated with all the opportunities.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
and capable of doing jobs in which high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and pressure
are involved
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nirmala
Possible spelling mistake found.
Seetharaman
, who was the minister of national
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
of India from September 2017 to May 2019, illustrates women's ability to perform jobs which
were considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
positions available in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
divisions, where employees need to work inside the office handling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
analytical tasks, which can
be occupied
by women.

On the other hand
, working as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
personnel, require high physical strength, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
these jobs more suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
; it is quite natural that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
possess more strength than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. The security forces of a country always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go through tough physical situations, like crawling through terrains and carrying heavy
Possible spelling mistake found.
ammunitions
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
force may encounter rigorous fights with protesters on the street, carrying heavy arms and safety equipments. As per
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feminists, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
set aside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in such fields, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
overall
efficiency of the force.

To sum up, considering the facts that employment in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
army
require high physical power, I opine that there is no need to have an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
role for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should not
be banned
from such opportunities considering their equality rights.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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