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Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.2

Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. v. 2
Gender equality is very significant in all respects of a country. It is said that females should be provided the opportunities to be employed as police or other law enforcement services. I will subscribe to agree the view fully despite some minimal drawbacks and put forward evidences as to why girls have the incentives and qualities to be police or others. Both males and females are identical in every aspect. A host of individuals holds the assumption that if girls are appointed as armed forces, then they will hardly have time to care their husbands in addition children as those jobs maintain time strictly. As a result, a multiplicity of problems will be visible because offsprings will be deprived of mother's affection. For example, in one state of India, statistics reported, a wide range of children lacked ample nutrition, salubrious foods moreover family education because of being employed their mothers in several forces likewise military, navy, police. On the other hand, in spite of having various challenges, there are a number of points why women should be bestowed the conveniences. Firstly, to dispel disparity and to establish women empowerment, law enforcement services are the best job for them. Because, they will have some powers to forbear any attack or blackmail. For instance, in Bangladesh, women were invulnerable and dominated by men. Therefore, the government appointed both sexes equally only in naval military to strengthen women's importance in society. To conclude, although some difficulties are evident, by solving those inconveniences, women's job advantages should be equivalent to men's employment in law implementing services. I agreed the view along with mentioning some related disadvantages and of women's involving in military, naval, cop or other services.
Gender equality is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant in all respects of a country. It
is said
that females should
be provided
the opportunities to
be employed
as police or other law enforcement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. I will subscribe to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
the view
fully
despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
minimal drawbacks and put forward evidences as to why girls have the incentives and qualities to be police or others.

Both males and females are identical in every aspect. A host of individuals holds the assumption that if girls
are appointed
as armed forces, then they will hardly have time to care their husbands
in addition
children as those jobs maintain time
strictly
.
As a result
, a multiplicity of problems will be visible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
will
be deprived
of mother's affection.
For example
, in one state of India, statistics reported, a wide range of children lacked ample nutrition, salubrious foods
moreover
family education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
being employed
their mothers in several forces
likewise
military, navy, police.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
having various challenges, there are a number of points why women should
be bestowed
the conveniences.
Firstly
, to dispel disparity and to establish women empowerment, law enforcement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
are the best job for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, they will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
powers to forbear any attack or blackmail.
For instance
, in Bangladesh, women were invulnerable and dominated by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
appointed both sexes
equally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in naval military to strengthen women's importance in society.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties are evident, by solving those inconveniences, women's job advantages should be equivalent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
's employment in law implementing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
the view along with mentioning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
related disadvantages and of women's involving in military, naval, cop or other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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