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In many countries, women are able to join the armed forces now on the equal basis of men. However, some people think only men should be members of the army, navy and air force. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

In many countries, women are able to join the armed forces now on the equal basis of men. However, some people think only men should be members of the army, navy and air force. v. 1
Terrestrial policies are one of the very crucial aspects of a state's development, and one nation's authority is to be highly responsible for this problem. Because of this, many citizens encourage their government to allocate more funds for defending the lands rather than for other community services. In my opinion, I partly disagree with this belief, because I regard all social benefits even. Maintaining the country’s security is somewhat important as it lays a solid foundation to a country stability. Whenever a war occurs, nobody cares about social services anymore, but their life because citizens are the main target for most massacres, terrorism, or even mass killing. In return for this, a large number of individuals demand their government to pay more budget for securing its inhabitants' lives. Keeping the country safe, additionally prevents illegal immigration from other countries. Take Iraq, for example, where wars frequently occur, the people there have to suffer from long-term social unrest and many records of illegal immigrations are those who come from this country. However, it does not necessarily mean that the leaders only concentrate on safety, services like education, medical services, or transportation should also be well-funded. Lack of social benefits can deal a massive damage to a country's residents. For instance, North Korea, the government here only emphasizes on the military budget and therefore creating a poverty-stricken society. People of a country pay taxes to the government and they should earn what they deserve. Having appropriate care for citizens helps prevent social evils, and even increase government budget. In conclusion, government should take all aspects of building a well-developed country into consideration. Many global scale organisations suggest balancing the funds spent on different domains evenly to maintain both security and happiness rate.
Terrestrial policies are one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial aspects of a state's development, and one nation's authority is to be
highly
responsible for this problem.
Because of this
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
citizens encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to allocate more funds for defending the lands
rather
than for other community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. In my opinion, I partly disagree with this belief,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I regard all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits even.

Maintaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
security is somewhat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as it lays a solid foundation to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
stability. Whenever a war occurs, nobody cares about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
anymore,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
citizens are the main target for most massacres, terrorism, or even mass killing. In return for this,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
individuals demand their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to pay more budget for securing its inhabitants'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Keeping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
safe,
additionally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
illegal immigration from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. Take Iraq,
for example
, where wars
frequently
occur, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
unrest and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
records of illegal
Possible spelling mistake found.
immigrations
are those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from this country.

However
, it does not
necessarily
mean that the leaders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concentrate on safety,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
like education, medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, or transportation should
also
be well-funded. Lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits can deal
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "massive damage".
a massive damage
to a country's residents.
For instance
, North Korea, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
here
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
emphasizes on the military budget and
therefore
creating a poverty-stricken society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
pay
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "tax"?
taxes
to the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
government and
they should earn what they deserve. Having appropriate care for citizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
evils, and even increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
budget.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take all aspects of building a well-developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
into consideration.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
global scale
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
suggest balancing the funds spent on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
domains
evenly
to maintain both security and happiness rate.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, women are able to join the armed forces now on the equal basis of men. However, some people think only men should be members of the army, navy and air force. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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