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Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement v.9

Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life with this statement v. 9
Although the care of children has traditionally been the role of women, nowadays many men have decided to stay at home to raise children while the woman in the family goes to work. However, some people believe that women have a natural ability for childcare and this role should be left to them. I disagree with this for the following reasons. Firstly, both men and women have qualities which are important for bringing up and educating children. These qualities are not specific to men or women, therefore both genders are able to raise children successfully. By saying that childcare is a specific female role, children will receive a message which portrays women as carers only. For example, young girls who are taught to believe that the place of women is in the home may not try hard in school subjects which are more male dominated, such as science. Secondly, the role of women in the workplace has changed significantly in the last fifty years. Many women now hold senior positions in many areas of employment. Women contribute a range of skills to the workplace which are both valuable and important. In my opinion, women should continue to focus on their careers and ensure that their daughters are aware of the opportunities which are available to them in life. Men should also take on some of the responsibility of childcare and teach their sons that this is a valuable role in society for men as well as women. In conclusion, it is important that men and women share childcare duties because both genders have important qualities and skills. However, women and men should also be allowed to focus on their careers and provide strong role models for children.
Although the care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has
traditionally
been the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have decided to stay at home to raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while the woman in the family goes to work.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have a natural ability for childcare and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to them. I disagree with this for the following reasons.

Firstly
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have qualities which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for bringing up and educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. These qualities are not specific to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
therefore
both genders are able to raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
successfully
. By saying that childcare is a specific female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will receive a message which portrays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as carers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
For example
, young girls who
are taught
to believe that the place of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is in the home may not try
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in school subjects which are more male dominated, such as science.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the workplace has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
significantly
in the last fifty years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
hold senior positions in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas of employment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
contribute a range of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to the workplace which are both valuable and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should continue to focus on their careers and ensure that their daughters are aware of the opportunities which are available to them in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
should
also
take on
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
responsibility of childcare and teach their sons that this is a valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in society for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
as well
as women.

In conclusion
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
share childcare duties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both genders have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
qualities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
should
also
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to focus on their careers and provide strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
models for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life with this statement v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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