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Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.5

Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. with this statement? v. 5
Women are mothers by nature. In fact, they can take care of their kids and meet their needs better than men. However, this women's feminist talent should not be used by some people to underestimate the power of women in the work field. In this essay, I will discuss my view about supporting the women in working life, and explain the reasons behind my personal opinion. Certainly, women have many genuine characteristics that allow them to be superior at childcare tasks. First of all, women are good listeners, they can listen to their kids carefully and understand them. Moreover, they are more patient than men, and whatever happened, they will be able to control themselves from being angry and think wisely to figure out a solution to the problem. In addition, women are remarkable multi-tasking workers. They can do many tasks at the same time while maintaining the quality, and this is the key point behind their ability to do all of the home chores in a short period while maintaining their kids. Although all of these could be true, that doesn’t mean they are not doing well in the working life. Working life for women could support them to do better as mothers for many reasons. First, handling the work responsibilities and their due time might be beneficial for enhancing time management skills. Also, exposure to different personalities in the work environment would increase the skills of persuading and negotiations which are very useful to manage the kids. Furthermore, encountering obstacles and finding their solutions in job life will help to build a solid source for the experiences and knowledge to back up her motherhood life. Finally, having a financially stable situation has an essential impact on her confidence as well as her role as mothers. To sum up, motherhood is a natural job for women because of their feminist traits. However, having this responsibility as mothers toward their children should not contradict with their right to have a working life. Moreover, their jobs could perfect them as mothers by polishing some life skills which support their motherhood life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are mothers by nature. In fact, they can take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their needs better than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
However
,
Did you mean "these"?
this
women's feminist talent should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to underestimate the power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the work field. In this essay, I will discuss my view about supporting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons behind my personal opinion.

Certainly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
genuine characteristics that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to be superior at childcare tasks.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
listeners, they can listen to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
carefully
and understand them.
Moreover
, they are more patient than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, and whatever happened, they will be able to control themselves from being angry and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
wisely
to figure out a solution to the problem.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are remarkable multi-tasking workers. They can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tasks at the same time while maintaining the quality, and this is the key point behind their ability to do
Consider using "all the".
all of the
home chores in a short period while maintaining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. Although all of these could be true, that doesn’t mean they are not doing well in the working life.

Working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
could support them to do better as mothers for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
First
, handling the work responsibilities and their due time might be beneficial for enhancing time management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Also
, exposure to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
personalities in the work environment would increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of persuading and negotiations which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful to manage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
Furthermore
, encountering obstacles and finding their solutions in job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build a solid source for the experiences and knowledge to back up her motherhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Finally
, having a
financially
stable situation has an essential impact on her confidence
as well
as her role as mothers.

To sum up, motherhood is a natural job for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their feminist traits.
However
, having this responsibility as mothers toward their children should not contradict with their right to have a working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Moreover
, their jobs could perfect them as mothers by polishing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which support their motherhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. with this statement? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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