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With the rapid development of communication technology, e. g smart phones, tablets and other communication devices, some people believe that the disadvantages of these devices outweigh their advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

With the rapid development of communication technology, e. g smart phones, tablets and other communication devices, some people believe that the disadvantages of these devices outweigh their advantages. v. 1
It is considered by many that with the quick improvement in electrical device, such as mobile phones, iPod and other communication products, a small group of people thinks that the negative effects outweigh the positive effects. In my point of view, I believe that the disadvantages exceed the advantages. First of all, this development will decrease the socialisation between the community. The main reason for this is that a lot of people will be more focussed on their technological products rather than the relationship between the parents and friends. For example, it can be seen that a lot of teenagers and adults are spending most of their spare time on social media, such as Facebook or Twitter. That's why, there has been a huge downward trend explored over the years in the socializing. On the other hand, this will also decrease the quality of the eyesight and it will rise the complications with the vision. This is because the radiation of the products is too dangerous for our body in an unconscious way. For example, it can be the main reason for the reduction of our sight and the redness of our eyes. All in all, the mobile phones and other products can be enjoyable for a couple of times, but can be harmful in a longer period of time. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because is will dropped down the relationship with our loved ones and can also have a negative impacts on the human.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that with the quick improvement in electrical device, such as mobile phones, iPod and other communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects. In my point of view, I believe that the disadvantages exceed the advantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, this development will decrease the
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
between the community. The main reason for this is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will be more focussed on their technological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
rather
than the relationship between the parents and friends.
For example
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and adults are spending most of their spare time on social media, such as Facebook or Twitter. That's why, there has been a huge downward trend explored over the years in the socializing.

On the other hand
, this will
also
decrease the quality of the eyesight and it will rise the complications with the vision. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the radiation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for our body
Consider replacing "in an unconscious way" with the adverb for "unconscious"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an unconscious way
.
For example
, it can be the main reason for the reduction of our sight and the redness of our eyes. All in all, the mobile phones and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
can be enjoyable for a couple of times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can be harmful in a longer period of time.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
is will
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "dropped".
dropped down
the relationship with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones and can
also
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the human.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay With the rapid development of communication technology, e. g smart phones, tablets and other communication devices, some people believe that the disadvantages of these devices outweigh their advantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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