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With the rapid advancement of communication technology eg smart phones tablets and other mobile devices some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

With the rapid advancement of communication technology eg smart phones tablets and other mobile devices some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages v. 2
On the proliferation of technology, some people believe that the downsides of high-tech devices overshadow their benefits. While I accept that these bleeding-edge technologies tend to bring some drawbacks, I also believe that the role of them is pivotal. On the one hand, the repercussions of this advancement should be paid more attention to. First, we would gradually no longer communicate directly with others if we become over-reliant on this technology, hence leading to an apathetic attitude in society. To illustrate, when entering a milk tea shop, it is noticeable to encounter groups of young people just staring at the smartphone screens without interacting with each other. Second, several health problems can be ascribed to the excessive use of modern tools. Backache, eyesight degradation or obesity, for an instant, is now on the rise since people nurture the habit of spending hours on social networking applications such as Instagram or Facebook. On the other hand, it seems to me that there are certainly several values that new lines of mobile phones and tablets bring to users. One evident strength is that those are considered a powerful facilitator of communication. In fact, the presence of smartphones has helped people to conveniently keep in touch with friends and relatives because this technology eliminates geographical distance. Another positive aspect is that such technological development is a threshold of a new world where people are connected in a global network, which provides them with opportunities to meet people from divergent backgrounds and ethnicities. Compared to the past, modern people now could easily get to know people with only a small device such as a cell phone. In conclusion, although others believe that the growth of communication technologies brings several disadvantages, I also believe that these cutting-edge devices play an important role in our contemporary society.
On the proliferation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the downsides of high-tech devices overshadow their benefits. While I accept that these bleeding-edge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
tend to bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, I
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the role of them is pivotal.

On the one hand, the repercussions of this advancement should
be paid
more attention to.
First
, we would
gradually
no longer communicate
directly
with others if we become over-reliant on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
hence
leading to an apathetic attitude in society. To illustrate, when entering a milk tea shop, it is noticeable to encounter groups of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
staring at the smartphone screens without interacting with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Second, several health problems can
be ascribed
to the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of modern tools. Backache, eyesight degradation or obesity, for an instant, is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
on the rise since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nurture the habit of spending hours on social networking applications such as Instagram or Facebook.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it seems to me that there are
certainly
several values that new lines of mobile phones and tablets bring to users. One evident strength is that those
are considered
a powerful facilitator of communication. In fact, the presence of smartphones has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
conveniently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with friends and relatives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
eliminates geographical distance. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect is that such technological development is a threshold of a new world where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are connected
in a global network, which provides them with opportunities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from divergent backgrounds and ethnicities. Compared to the past, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
could
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
device such as a cell phone.

In conclusion
, although others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the growth of communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
brings several disadvantages, I
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that these cutting-edge devices play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our contemporary society.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay With the rapid advancement of communication technology eg smart phones tablets and other mobile devices some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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