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With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. v. 1
To pave the academic success, the majority of people ponder that practical subjects, like the gym and cooking classes ought to be removed from the agenda. They think it creates a whole academic opportunity to focus on academic ones. I agree with this opinion as academic study requires whole concentration and devotion, at the same point, energy and past consuming Firstly, whoever wants to succeed academically, they should have a strong desire to study more the subjects they have chosen and firm goals. The reason is what they think will react to their deeds, the present they spend will be all their investment, the focus they give will be all their devotion. To illustrate, if one does the thing wholeheartedly, focusing on particular subjects, one can complete it successfully. That is why students must dedicate all they have to academic subjects so as to be on top Secondly, a person physically can’t master both theoretical and practical knowledge. Because, it requires so much time and energy which not all learners are able to manage. To pass any exam, a student may allot most of hours of the day throughout the whole year, which doesn’t leave them to be indulged in nothing but studying. On the other hand, moderate amount of physical activities may be relaxing and refreshing for one’s mind. Male learners sometimes prefer to rest by doing amateur sports, such as street football or basketball at school, whereas girls may accompany to cook something special for their mates’ birthdays To sum up, although sport and cookery classes seem somehow relaxing, students should pay their whole attention and time to academic subjects. Parents or other extra courses may take responsibility to teach that practical knowledge
To pave the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
success, the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
ponder that practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, like the gym and cooking classes ought to
be removed
from the agenda. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it creates a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
opportunity to focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
study requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
concentration and devotion, at the same point, energy and past consuming

Firstly
, whoever wants to succeed
academically
, they should have a strong desire to study more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
they have chosen and firm goals. The reason is what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
will react to their deeds, the present they spend will be all their investment, the focus they give will be all their devotion. To illustrate, if one does the thing
wholeheartedly
, focusing on particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, one can complete it
successfully
.
That is
why students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
dedicate all they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
be on
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
top


Secondly
, a person
physically
can’t master both theoretical and practical knowledge.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, it requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much time and energy which not all learners are able to manage. To pass any exam, a student may allot
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the hours") or simply say "most hours".
most of hours
of the day throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
year, which doesn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them to
be indulged
in nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
studying.

On the other hand
, moderate amount of physical activities may be relaxing and refreshing for one’s mind. Male learners
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
prefer to rest by doing amateur sports, such as street football or basketball at school, whereas girls may accompany to cook something special for their mates’ birthdays

To sum up, although sport and cookery classes seem somehow relaxing, students should pay their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
attention and time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Parents or other extra courses may take responsibility to teach that practical
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
knowledge
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
284 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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