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With the help of internet and television many people are becoming famous. is it a positive and negative trend? v.1

With the help of internet and television many people are becoming famous. is it a positive and negative trend? v. 1
It is true that television and especially the internet have made it possible for an everyday person to become a celebrity much more easily in the past.  However, this phenomenon has also created a situation where this can lead to a regular, innocent person having their life devastated. Therefore, it seems that despite the positive aspects of this development, the negative effects are more apparent. One the one hand, the ability to become popular through digital media obviously leads to the opportunity to become rich and famous. In the past, this was controlled by film studio executives and record labels, but now a typical person can become a star simply by word of mouth. For example, many popular Youtube stars became famous and wealthy simply by their fans sharing their content and then things snowballed from there. On the other hand, the dark side of this ease of access to fame is that it can lead to infamy for a person who maybe did not do much to deserve it. For every example of a new star emerging from the internet or a TV talent show, there are myriad more instances of K-pop stars who have been harassed and had their lives ruined because of public scrutiny. Furthermore, this can arise when someone is completely innocent, such as in the case of online bullying, or even when someone seeks out attention but is ruthlessly mocked for trying to do something creative. Inclusion, an increase in the ability for people to express themselves and their creativity is a desirable thing in general. However, in reality the opportunity to become popular is also the opportunity to become popular for the wrong reasons.
It is true that television and
especially
the internet have made it possible for an everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a celebrity much more
easily
in the past.  
However
, this phenomenon has
also
created a situation where this can lead to a regular, innocent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
having their life devastated.
Therefore
, it seems that despite the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of this development, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects are more apparent.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popular
through digital media
obviously
leads to the opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
rich and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
. In the past, this
was controlled
by film studio executives and record labels,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a typical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a star
simply
by word of mouth.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popular
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
became
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and wealthy
simply
by their fans sharing their content and then things snowballed from there.

On the other hand
, the dark side of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of access to fame is that it can lead to infamy for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who maybe did not do much to deserve it. For every example of a new star emerging from the internet or a TV talent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, there are myriad more instances of K-pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
who have
been harassed
and had their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
ruined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of public scrutiny.
Furthermore
, this can arise when someone is completely innocent, such as in the case of online bullying, or even when someone seeks out attention
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
is
ruthlessly
mocked for trying to do something creative.

Inclusion, an increase in the ability for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to express themselves and their creativity is a desirable thing
in general
.
However
, in reality the opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popular
is
also
the opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
popular
for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
reasons.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay With the help of internet and television many people are becoming famous. is it a positive and negative trend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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