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With pressure on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

With pressure on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. v. 1
The Modern world is moving more towards innovation, development and the job market prefer people with higher education. So, definitely the pressure builds from a young age to focus more on the academic than non-academic subjects. However, the same system also enforces student to pursue only one path irrespective of their interests, which results in dissatisfaction with the work, lower productivity and increase in stress among individuals. Instead, The schools have to embrace the differences and cater to the special needs of students. Therefore, students must be left for themselves to decide to which subject they have a penchant of following in future. Interests plays a major role in one's life. As it is observed that the person with interests in one particular area of the field have greater chances of success than the person with no interest in the same. So, the schools which provide holistic syllabus including both academic and non-academic subjects give an opportunity to students to develop their interests. The word "success" have different meaning to different people. Some would say money means success, others believe happiness, work satisfaction holds a higher status than the former. Whatever the case may be, saying that students investing in academic subjects will have greater returns than the students which pursue non-academic subjects, is an overstatement. Many Artists, sport persons like LeBron James, a famous basketball player earns way more than doctors and engineers, which goes on to prove that fields such as sports, painting, music, design can also be a lucrative career option. Furthermore, Non-Academic subjects do have a great many benefits apart from career building. The subjects like music, physical sciences, and sports caters to the creative mind, help build the character and physique by playing in teams, develops a sense of cooperation and team management skills. Many soft skills which are necessary for personal development are also inculcated like expressing one's thought, better communication skills. In crux, the Non-Academic subjects can be a career prospective for many students and even despite of that can help in an overall personal development of the student. Therefore, I disagree that Non-academic subjects should be removed from the syllabus.
The Modern world is moving more towards innovation, development and the job market prefer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with higher education.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, definitely the pressure builds from a young age to focus more on the academic than non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
However
, the same system
also
enforces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to pursue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one path irrespective of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
, which results in dissatisfaction with the work, lower productivity and increase in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
among individuals.

Instead
, The schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
embrace the differences and cater to the special needs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
for themselves to decide to which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
they have a penchant of following
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "interest plays".
Interests plays
a major role in one's life.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
it
is observed
that the person with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
in one particular area of the field have greater chances of success than the person with no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in the same.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the schools which provide holistic syllabus including both academic and non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
give an opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to develop their interests.

The word
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
success
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
meaning to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would say money means success, others believe happiness, work satisfaction holds a higher status than the former. Whatever the case may be, saying that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
investing in academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will have greater returns than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which pursue non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, is an overstatement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
Artists, sport persons like LeBron James, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
basketball player earns way more than doctors and engineers, which goes on to prove that fields such as sports, painting, music, design can
also
be a lucrative career option.

Furthermore
, Non-Academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
do have a great
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits apart from career building. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like music, physical sciences, and sports caters to the creative mind,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
build the character and physique by playing in teams, develops a sense of cooperation and team management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are necessary for personal development are
also
inculcated like expressing one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, better communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In crux, the Non-Academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can be a career prospective for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and even
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in an
overall
personal development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
Therefore
, I disagree that Non-academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be removed
from the syllabus.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay With pressure on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
358 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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