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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge. v.2

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v. 2
Children are the beautiful creation of God and parents are like gardeners. Children's upbringing is both rewarding as well as challenging experience. They are like which requires molding effectively. Some analysts argue that the percentage of obese children in western countries has increased by 20% in the last few years. The causes and effects of the problem are outlined below. To begin with, there are several causes for the increase in the number of obese children in western countries. Firstly, lack of home food for children to buy junk food. This is because of the busy lifestyle of parents who do not have time to prepare healthy food at home. Secondly, technological advancements in western countries have made children lazy and lethargic. Children are becoming sluggish and doing less physical work. To illustrate this, a recent survey in America shows that about 60% of the obese children play video games instead of outdoor games. Finally, due to the high income level of parents, children want to buy a variety of food item. Moreover, children do not eat food moderately due to which they increase their weight. On the other hand, there are some effects of this problem. Firstly, obese children become lazy and lethargic. They do not participate in outdoor games and activities. Secondly, overweight children don't have a rich life as they are ignored by their friends and relatives. Finally, obesity in children will lead to various health diseases like cancer etc. In conclusion, there are various causes and effects of obesity in children. The busy schedule of parents and unhealthy lifestyle of children in western countries are the major causes for rise in the number of overweight children.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
creation of God and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are like gardeners. Children's upbringing is both rewarding
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
challenging experience. They are like which requires molding
effectively
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
analysts argue that the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
has increased by 20% in the last few years. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and effects of the problem
are outlined
below.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
for the increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Firstly
, lack of home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the busy lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who do not have time to prepare healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at home.
Secondly
, technological advancements in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lazy and lethargic.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are becoming sluggish and doing less physical work. To illustrate this, a recent survey in America
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that about 60% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play video games
instead
of outdoor games.
Finally
, due to the high income level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
item.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
moderately
due to which they increase their weight.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effects of this problem.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become lazy and lethargic. They do not participate in outdoor games and activities.
Secondly
, overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
don't have a rich life as they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
by their friends and relatives.
Finally
, obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will lead to various health diseases like cancer etc.

In conclusion
, there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and effects of obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The busy schedule of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and unhealthy lifestyle of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
for rise in the number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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