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Why do more people choose to run their business online? What are the effects of this trend? v.1

Why do more people choose to run their business online? What are the effects of this trend? v. 1
Many people argue that entertainers are more significant than scientists for a society. In my opinion, the benefits of scientists are much more crucial for the humanity due to their inventions which have facilitated human’s lives and, benefits of entertainers can be replaced with their alternatives which is not the case for scientists. First and foremost, scientists are essential individuals for the mankind since they have eased everyone’s lives in a great sense. This is because throughout the history, scientists have discovered new technologies such as electricity along with healing patients with offering new drugs or treatments. To illustrate, Thomas Edison, who discovered the direct currency, enabled the people to use the electricity to light their houses with light bulbs safer since, the former source of light, kerosene was highly flammable which has caused incidents such as fire. Consequently, it is clear that scientific inventions have ensured people to live in better conditions, thus scientists are necessary for the civilisation. On the other hand, entertainment is an indispensable need for the individuals; however, there are alternatives to entertainers to have a good time. Considering this, people can entertain themselves with travelling abroad, doing sports activities or reading a book. Even though entertainer can assist people to live joyfully, they are not as desperately needed as scientists because scientific developments, especially the medical inventions, are invaluable for the humanity. For instance, Pasteur, who invented the usage of vaccines, cured many people as the usage of vaccines improved their immune system which copes with diseases. As a result, while the benefits of entertainers are replaceable by alternatives, scientists are totally necessary for the mankind particularly due to their immense assistance in the health industry. To sum up, I believe that scientists are much more needed than the entertainers for the society since they improve the lifestyle of individuals. I think there are various options of people to entertain themselves apart from entertainers; however, the positive effects of scientists cannot be irreplaceable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are more significant than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
for a society. In my opinion, the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are much more crucial for the humanity due to their inventions which have facilitated human’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and, benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
can
be replaced
with their alternatives which is not the case for scientists.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are essential individuals for the mankind since they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
eased
everyone’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
in a great sense. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
throughout the history,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
have discovered new technologies such as electricity along with healing patients with offering new drugs or treatments. To illustrate, Thomas Edison, who discovered the direct currency, enabled the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the electricity to light their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
with light bulbs safer since, the former source of light, kerosene was
highly
flammable which has caused incidents such as fire.
Consequently
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that scientific inventions have ensured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in better conditions,
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are necessary for the
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisation' is British English.
civilisation
.

On the other hand
, entertainment is an indispensable need for the individuals;
however
, there are alternatives to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
time. Considering this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can entertain themselves with travelling abroad, doing sports activities or reading a book.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainer
can assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
joyfully
, they are not as
desperately
needed as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
scientific developments,
especially
the medical inventions, are invaluable for the humanity.
For instance
, Pasteur, who invented the usage of vaccines, cured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as the usage of vaccines
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
their immune system which copes with diseases.
As a result
, while the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
are replaceable by alternatives,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are
totally
necessary for the mankind
particularly
due to their immense assistance in the health industry.

To sum up, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are much more needed than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
for the society since they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the lifestyle of individuals. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are various options of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to entertain themselves apart from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entertainers
;
however
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
cannot be irreplaceable.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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IELTS essay Why do more people choose to run their business online? What are the effects of this trend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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