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Whoever controls the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people and there is a little can be done to rectify this. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Whoever controls the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people and there is a little can be done to rectify this. v. 1
Advances made in the medical field act as a boon to mankind. Because of which people are living disease free with falling death rates. This essay deals about the positive outcomes resulted from an enhanced health care as well as the challenges associated with it. To begin with, since 40 years a number of endemic diseases have been controlled and eliminated. Thanks to the development made in the medical industry, which quelled the life threatening diseases that caused early deaths. Furthermore, the average life span of a healthy individual has been increased till 70 years, because of the effective immunisation and vaccination programs that are administered since about age 3. Moreover, the pharmaceutical companies have begun producing the life- saving drugs at affordable prices, which ultimately benefits the marginalised sections of the society. For instance, the infant mortality rate was higher in 1950s because of lack of vaccination against diseases such as smallpox and cholera. On the contrary, the situation has been greatly improved now. As a coin has both sides, there are a quite number of challenges associated with the advanced health care. First, the government has to bear the medical expenses incurred by the senior citizens as well as the people living below the poverty line. This would in turn result in a cascading effect, as the government needs to provide pensions to the retired senior citizens till their death. Therefore, longer the life expectancy of senior citizens results in longer their duration to claim monetary benefits from the government. This would ultimately tax the government’s fiscal reserves. Moreover, if the government does not have sufficient funds then it will not be able to buy some of the potential drugs to treat diseases like cancer and diabetes in the government owned hospitals. This would spell a doom’s day on the impoverished people from accessing the basic medical needs. In conclusion, as far as my views are concerned, healthcare is a basic civil amenity which everyone deserves to get from the government. Without these medical benefits, human life would be pushed towards stone age. Therefore, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.
Advances made in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
field act as a boon to mankind.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
free with falling death rates. This essay deals about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes resulted from an enhanced health care
as well
as the challenges associated with it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, since 40 years a number of endemic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
have
been controlled
and eliminated. Thanks to the development made in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
industry, which quelled the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that caused early deaths.
Furthermore
, the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span of a healthy individual has
been increased
till 70 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the effective
Possible spelling mistake. 'immunisation' is British English.
immunisation
and vaccination programs that
are administered
since about age 3.
Moreover
, the pharmaceutical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have begun producing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life-
saving drugs at affordable prices, which
ultimately
benefits the
Possible spelling mistake. 'marginalised' is British English.
marginalised
sections of the society.
For instance
, the infant mortality rate was higher
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1950s".
in 1950s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of vaccination against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as smallpox and cholera.
On the contrary
, the situation has been
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

As a coin has both sides, there are a
You used an adverb ('quite') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('number') instead of another adjective.
quite number
of challenges associated with the advanced health care.
First
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
bear the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
expenses incurred by the senior citizens
as well
as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living below the poverty line. This would in turn result in a cascading effect, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
needs to provide pensions to the retired senior citizens till their death.
Therefore
, longer the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of senior citizens results in longer their duration to claim monetary benefits from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. This would
ultimately
tax the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
fiscal reserves.
Moreover
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
does not have sufficient funds then it will not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
potential drugs to treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
like cancer and diabetes in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
hospitals. This would spell a doom’s day on the impoverished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from accessing the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
needs.

In conclusion
, as far as my views
are concerned
, healthcare is a basic civil amenity which everyone deserves to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Without these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
benefits, human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
would
be pushed
towards
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
stone age
.
Therefore
, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Whoever controls the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people and there is a little can be done to rectify this. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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