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Some people think one should stay all their life in the same job, whereas others advocate changing jobs from time to time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think one should stay all their life in the same job, whereas others advocate changing jobs from time to time. v. 1
It is often thought by some aged people that individuals of today are not living a more productive life as much as they lived. I agree with the above viewpoint as I think old people live a healthier life as well as an extend family lifestyle. Firstly, many aged people lived a healthier life. This is as a result of the foods eaten, which were mostly natural, particularly those from the plants and animals. Individuals of this present time who eat majority junk food that made them more susceptible to diseases, such as diabetes; however, older people ate foods without any preservatives or additives. For example, Mr Ojo, who was my grandfather, had no health challenge throughout his lifetime, while my uncle, Mrs Tobi, was recently diagnosed with diabetes. When she was interviewed, it was discovered that her high fat, sugar and salt intake from junk foods were the cause of her health state. Another point to consider is that aged people preferred living in an extended family way of life. In other words, they did not only live with their immediate family, which are their offspring, but also with their other relatives such as father, mother, and sisters, to name a few. This means that responsibilities are easily shared amongst themselves. As a result, life was easier, and goals were easily achieved without much worries since there are sharing of the family duties. In conclusion, it is evidently clear from my own opinion that older individuals had a more excellent life owing to the consumption of more balanced diets, which are from natural plants and animals, and living with their relatives that help in lessen burdens.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that individuals of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are not living a more productive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as much as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above viewpoint as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as well
as
After 'an', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'extend' is correct. If 'extend' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
an extend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
lifestyle.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
a healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This is
as a result
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
eaten, which were
mostly
natural,
particularly
those from the plants and animals. Individuals of this present time who eat majority junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that made them more susceptible to diseases, such as diabetes;
however
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
without any preservatives or additives.
For example
, Mr
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ojo
, who was my grandfather, had no health challenge throughout his lifetime, while my uncle, Mrs
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tobi
, was recently diagnosed with diabetes. When she
was interviewed
, it
was discovered
that her high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, sugar and salt intake from junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
were the cause of her health state.

Another point to consider is that aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
preferred living in an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
In other words
, they did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their immediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, which are their offspring,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
with their other relatives such as father, mother, and sisters, to name a few. This means that responsibilities are
easily
shared amongst themselves.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
was easier, and goals were
easily
achieved without
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
worries since there are sharing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
duties.

In conclusion
, it is
evidently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion that older individuals had a more excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
owing to the consumption of more balanced diets, which are from natural plants and animals, and living with their relatives that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in lessen burdens.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think one should stay all their life in the same job, whereas others advocate changing jobs from time to time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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