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Whilst information system are now being utilized to aid the old, some people are worrying about the possible negative outcomes To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer. v.1

Whilst information system are now being utilized to aid the old, some people are worrying about the possible negative outcomes v. 1
Nowadays, we live in an age of technology. The info system is being made use of assisting in the aged. While most people claim that it is useful to utilize the science processing, I personally believe that using data processing can lead to some possible negative outcomes. On the one hand, it is undeniable that there are a lot of advantages in using science arrangement. It is clear that that data processing, accessing to the Internet puts emphasis on enhancing knowledge via accessing to the Internet. It should be highlighted that if the elderly could browse the Web, they would update the latest knowledge about epidemic and diseases. As a consequence, they are able to prevent and cure. Another significant element is that accessing to the Internet can assist the aged in keeping in touch with distance their children and old friends. Thanks to using social networking websites, the elderly are able to call and chat with them. On the other hand, I suggest that the disadvantages of data technology overweight the benefits. First of all, using the Internet can lead to the risks. As you can see, these days, a great deal of hackers takes advantage of lacking of knowledge, they cheat the aged in order to steal private data. It got worse when internet robbers want to swindle money. Furthermore, the abuse of computerised instruction has some negative impact on causing disease. Because of gluing eyes on the screen during a long time, the old may have problems in the spine or obesity. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that some people highlight the utilization of intelligence operation has a positive influence on the aged, I strongly point out that there are a number of disadvantages to using technological system.
Nowadays, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an age of technology. The info system is
being made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of assisting in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
. While most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that it is useful to utilize the science processing, I
personally
believe that using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
processing can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages in using science arrangement. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
processing, accessing to the Internet puts emphasis on enhancing knowledge via accessing to the Internet. It should
be highlighted
that if the elderly could browse the Web, they would update the latest knowledge about epidemic and diseases. As a consequence, they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
and cure.

Another significant element is that accessing to the Internet can assist the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
in keeping in touch with distance their children and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
friends. Thanks to using social networking websites, the elderly are able to call and chat with them.

On the other hand
, I suggest that the disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
technology overweight the benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, using the Internet can lead to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
. As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, these days, a great deal of hackers takes advantage of lacking of knowledge, they cheat the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
in order to steal private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
worse when internet robbers want to swindle money.

Furthermore
, the abuse of
Possible spelling mistake. 'computerised' is British English.
computerised
instruction has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on causing disease.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of gluing eyes on the screen during a long time, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
may have problems in the spine or obesity.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
highlight the utilization of intelligence operation has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
, I
strongly
point out that there are a number of disadvantages to using technological system.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Whilst information system are now being utilized to aid the old, some people are worrying about the possible negative outcomes v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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