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Many children are encoraged by their parents to get a part time. What are the advantages and disadvantage to children of doing so? v.1

Many children are encoraged by their parents to get a part time. What are the advantages and disadvantage to children of doing so? v. 1
In this day and age, majority of care takers are motivating their offsprings for doing half past office in leisure point So, I intend to explore the merits of this practice along with few drawbacks as long as its drawbacks and negative outcomes. To regard with the favour of doing temporary industry. Firstly, these days, people are not able to maintain balance between their private and professional life just because of lack of date management skills. Therefore, if parents can teach their children for a day jobplace, then then, youth can enhance their social skills which are associated with communication skills, direction expertise as well as they may spend equality of space wisely. Moreover, in this era, every person wants to become successful and move forward from each others. Due to this manner, appointment in peacetime and in early age will be proved beneficial. In addition, teenagers may get more appointment opportunities in their later life as well as they can understand the importance of money. As a consequence, youngsters may become independent. Moving further with its drawbacks which have a bad influence. It is true that pastime endeavour is fruitful, but due to that habit, children may distract from their regular study and in the way of earning, they will give more work to emphasize task rather than study. Therefore, they cannot obtain high grades in the final exams cause of less turn and sometimes, they may leave a study. Having said that, irregular endeavour can be putted bad effect upon children's physical and mental development. Because in the age of playing, they have to do task in order for youth may feel stress, unhappiness and can not share emotions with their gardens due to fear of them. Hence, en security and depression may act as barriers to proper growth. In conclusion, working at a leisure moment give the chance to learn many new things which may help in coming years. However worrying about the future, humanity should not ignore its detriments results.
In this day and age,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
care takers are motivating their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
for doing half past office in leisure point
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I intend to explore the merits of this practice along with few drawbacks as long as its drawbacks and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes.

To regard with the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of doing temporary industry.
Firstly
, these days,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not able to maintain balance between their private and professional life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of date management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, if parents can teach their children for a day
Possible spelling mistake found.
jobplace
,
Possible typo: you repeated a word
then then
, youth can enhance their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which
are associated
with communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, direction expertise
as well
as they may spend equality of space
wisely
.
Moreover
, in this era, every person wants to become successful and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward from each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
. Due to this manner, appointment in peacetime and in early age will
be proved
beneficial.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more appointment opportunities in their later life
as well
as they can understand the importance of money. As a consequence, youngsters may become independent.

Moving
further
with its drawbacks which have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence. It is true that pastime
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
is fruitful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to that habit, children may distract from their regular study and in the way of earning, they will give more work to emphasize task
rather
than study.
Therefore
, they cannot obtain high grades in the final exams cause of less turn and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a study. Having said that, irregular
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
can
be putted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect upon children's physical and mental development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in the age of playing, they have
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
to do
task in order for youth may feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, unhappiness and can not share emotions with their gardens due to fear of them.
Hence
, en security and depression may act as barriers to proper growth.

In conclusion
, working at a leisure moment give the chance to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new things which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in coming years.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
worrying about the future, humanity should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
its detriments results.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Many children are encoraged by their parents to get a part time. What are the advantages and disadvantage to children of doing so? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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