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While mobile phones have many advantages, a number of problems have also resulted from them or the ways in which they are used. What are some of these problems? What solutions can you suggest for solving these problems? v.1

While mobile phones have many advantages, a number of problems have also resulted from them or the ways in which they are used. What are some of these problems? What solutions can you suggest for solving these problems? v. 1
A large number of organisations allocate more funds to games just to promote themselves. It is often argued that sponsoring sports have more advantages, while others feel that it is a bad thing. This essay will discuss both the views and argue that financing physical pursuits is beneficial for the public; followed by a reasoned conclusion. Owing to the problems which a large number of overweight people cause for the health care systems, organising sports events is a viable solution to this issue. Moreover, it is very lucrative for many companies as they can advertise their products through these recreational activities. For example, every year in India, Coca Cola company finances games and marathons on a large scale in which thousands of people partake. Such events provide citizens with an opportunity to exercise and play sports which they cannot do in their daily routine due to busy schedules. Hence, conducting physical activities and participating in them is advantageous for multinational companies as well as the public. This argument is further weakened by the fact that it encourages people to buy things which they rarely use in their daily lives. For instance, many transnational companies in India arrange IPL matches every year and promote their products through them. These tournaments are followed by millions of cricket fans around the globe. As a consequence, they get influenced by the merchandise which is endorsed by their favourite sportsmen. Therefore, the main drawback of sponsoring sports is people spending large amounts of money and purchasing expensive goods, promoted by their liked athletes. In conclusion, although it can oblige people to buy costly goods, it will encourage them to participate in leisure amenities. It is recommended that government should educate citizens about the benefits of playing and incorporating sports into their daily lives.
A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
number of
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
allocate more funds to games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to promote themselves. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that sponsoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have more advantages, while others feel that it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing. This essay will discuss both the views and argue that financing physical pursuits is beneficial for the public; followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Owing to the problems which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cause for the health care systems,
Possible spelling mistake. 'organising' is British English.
organising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is a viable solution to this issue.
Moreover
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
lucrative for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as they can advertise their products through these recreational activities.
For example
, every year in India, Coca Cola
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
finances games and marathons on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
scale in which thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
partake. Such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
provide citizens with an opportunity to exercise and play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which they cannot do in their daily routine due to busy schedules.
Hence
, conducting physical activities and participating in them is advantageous for multinational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as well
as the public.

This argument is
further
weakened by the fact that it encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things which they rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
transnational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
in India arrange
Possible spelling mistake found.
IPL
matches every year and promote their products through them. These tournaments
are followed
by millions of cricket fans around the globe. As a consequence, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by the merchandise which
is endorsed
by their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
sportsmen.
Therefore
, the main drawback of sponsoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
amounts of money and purchasing expensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, promoted by their liked athletes.

In conclusion
, although it can oblige
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
costly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, it will encourage them to participate in leisure amenities. It
is recommended
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should educate citizens about the benefits of playing and incorporating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
into their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay While mobile phones have many advantages, a number of problems have also resulted from them or the ways in which they are used. What are some of these problems? What solutions can you suggest for solving these problems? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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