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Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. v. 2
Nowadays, a large number of people are purchasing tickets for live events involving sports and cultures. This essay will discuss that, this is an overall bad thing as people can get into debt and jeopardize their budget. Many people are spending a large amount of money in concerts and events just to boast before their friends. However, if someone has a keen interest in a particular sport event or cultural performance, then it is worth spending money. The tickets to these shows are very expensive, so people should decide maturely before buying them. A recent survey done in India shows that more than 50% of the population use their credit cards to buy tickets which they fail to pay later. Hence, attending these contests just to flaunt in front of few friends will only exacerbate the financial condition of a person. This argument is further weakened by the fact that some sports events encourage public to incorporate physical pursuits into their daily lives. Furthermore, maintaining a balance of both physical and mental health is necessary to live a better and fulfilling life. These events motivate citizens to do more exercise and workout in their leisure time. For instance, some people are captivated by few games because of their favourite athletes and want to pursue their career in it. Therefore, going to such events is beneficial only if a person can afford it and is attracted towards it. In conclusion, although some events are advantageous for people, one should think carefully before spending a considerable amount of money on them. Once in a while it is perfectly all right to indulge in such practices, but we must ensure that it does not become an obsession.
Nowadays,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are purchasing tickets for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
involving sports and cultures. This essay will discuss that, this is an
overall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into debt and jeopardize their budget.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending a large amount of money in concerts and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to boast
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their friends.
However
, if someone has a keen interest in a particular sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
or cultural performance, then it is worth spending money. The tickets to these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should decide
maturely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
buying them. A recent survey done in India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that more than 50% of the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their credit cards to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
tickets which they fail to pay later.
Hence
, attending these contests
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to flaunt in front of few friends will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
exacerbate the financial condition of a person.

This argument is
further
weakened by the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
encourage public to incorporate physical pursuits into their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Furthermore
, maintaining a balance of both physical and mental health is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better and fulfilling life. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
motivate citizens to do more exercise and workout in their leisure time.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are captivated
by few games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
athletes and want to pursue their career in it.
Therefore
, going to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is beneficial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if a person can afford it and
is attracted
towards it.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, one should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
carefully
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
spending a considerable amount of money on them. Once in a while it is
perfectly
all right to indulge in such practices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ensure that it does not become an obsession.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should places restrictions on the hours their children spend watching TV and playing computer games, and encourage them to spend this time reading books instead. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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