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Nowdays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowdays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
In this modern era of continual development in technology, the difference between the rich and the poor is growing significantly, while others believe that the advancement in science and technology integrates all types of people into one single root. From my perspective, people are connecting together because of mechanical advancements. To begin with, several types of devices are a boon to the rich who is making progress in society. This is because innovation in mechinery has given the rich people a different types of ideas through which they can proliferate their businesses. It is only possible by investing in manufacturing processes. For example, in the USA, citizens have developed industries of technology bases such as electronic equipment, machines, and household devices. As a result, this type of business is growing more and more, while investment in this sector has become impossible for the poor people. Consequently, a huge barricade erects between the developed countries and poor nations. In contrast, people, from all walks of life, are, now an integral part of the modern era where technology and its uses booming in every nook and corner. The reason is that it has given latest technology like mobile phone, transports, et Cetra. For instance, telecommunication has spread its businesses to reach the rich as well as the poor with the recourse of mobile which is used even by the rickshaw pullers to communicate with their family members. In this way, improvements in technology connect people around the world. In conclusion, although some people think that technological instrument has increased the difference between the people of silver spoon and the people with bread and butter, others think the opposite. In my opinion, the technology has contributed to produce various devices which help the rich and the poor at a time.
In this modern era of continual development in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, the difference between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
is growing
significantly
, while others believe that the advancement in science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
integrates all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
into one single root. From my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are connecting together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mechanical advancements.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
types
of devices are a boon to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
who is making progress in society. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
innovation in
Possible spelling mistake found.
mechinery
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "type"?
types
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
through which they can proliferate their businesses. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible by investing in manufacturing processes.
For example
, in the USA, citizens have developed industries of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
bases such as electronic equipment, machines, and household devices.
As a result
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of business is growing more and more, while investment in this sector has become impossible for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Consequently
, a huge barricade erects between the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
nations.

In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, from all walks of life, are,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
an integral part of the modern era where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
booming in every nook and corner. The reason is that it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
like mobile phone, transports,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cetra
.
For instance
, telecommunication has spread its businesses to reach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
with the recourse of mobile which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
even by the rickshaw pullers to communicate with their family members. In this way, improvements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
connect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that technological instrument has increased the difference between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of silver spoon and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with bread and butter, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the opposite.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has contributed to produce various devices which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
at a time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowdays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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