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MANY PEOPLE NOW LIVE IN SOCIETIES WHERE CONSUMER GOODS HAVE BECOME CHEAP. WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES THE DISADVENTAGES? v.2

MANY PEOPLE NOW LIVE IN SOCIETIES WHERE CONSUMER GOODS HAVE BECOME CHEAP. WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES THE DISADVENTAGES? v. 2
In this day and age, grown ups partake less in games and physical pursuits. It is often argued that the key to solving this problem is to broadcast big sports contests like the Olympics on television programs, while others feel that it is more advantageous to adopt other methods. This essay will discuss both the views and argue that promoting recreational activities encourage adults to take part in them; followed by a reasoned conclusion. Nowadays, sports and advertisements are ubiquitous and television is a great platform to motivate people to participate in physical amenities. People are busy with their work and hardly have time to do some exercise which is essential for a healthy life. A recent survey done by the Times Magazine exhibits that only 33% of the world’s population were involved in leisure activities. Owing to the problems which a large number of overweight people cause for the health care systems, the key to solving these issues is to have more outdoor pursuits. Hence, if the Government covers big events like the Olympics on radio and Television, citizens will be motivated to stay fit by incorporating exercise into their daily lives. Despite this, there are several other useful ways to inspire adults to do workouts in order to stay fit. Some multinational companies organise sports competitions and provide a special gym for their employees at the workplace. For example, many IT companies such as Infosys, has a workout area where the workforce can relax and enjoy the free services of the gym during their leisure time. Therefore, people should behave maturely and spend more time in physical activities rather than other hobbies. In conclusion, it is very important to maintain a balance of both physical and mental growth to live a better life. It is recommended that the State should encourage citizens to stay fine and in good health.
In this day and age,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
partake less in games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
pursuits. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the key to solving this problem is to broadcast
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
sports contests like the Olympics on television programs, while others feel that it is more advantageous to adopt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
methods. This essay will discuss both the views and argue that promoting recreational activities encourage adults to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in them; followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Nowadays, sports and advertisements are ubiquitous and television is a great platform to motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
amenities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are busy with their work and hardly have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise which is essential for a healthy life. A recent survey done by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
Magazine exhibits that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
33% of the world’s population
were involved
in leisure activities. Owing to the problems which
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cause for the health care systems, the key to solving these issues is to have more outdoor pursuits.
Hence
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
covers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
like the Olympics on radio and Television, citizens will
be motivated
to stay fit by incorporating exercise into their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Despite this, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
useful ways to inspire adults to do workouts in order to stay fit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
sports competitions and provide a special gym for their employees at the workplace.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Infosys
, has a workout area where the workforce can relax and enjoy the free services of the gym during their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should behave
maturely
and spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hobbies.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to maintain a balance of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental growth to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better life. It
is recommended
that the State should encourage citizens to stay fine and in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay MANY PEOPLE NOW LIVE IN SOCIETIES WHERE CONSUMER GOODS HAVE BECOME CHEAP. WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES THE DISADVENTAGES? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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