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Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful for old people. However, this section of population is the fewer users of mobile phones and the Internet. In what ways can mobile phones and the Internet be useful to the old people? How can the old people be v.1

Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful for old people. However, this section of population is the fewer users of mobile phones and the Internet. In what ways can mobile phones and the Internet be useful to the old people? How can the old people be v. 1
It Is often argued that job offering higher salary is more advantageous than job satisfaction. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that job satisfaction plays a pivotal role as compared to remuneration. First of all, a person will go to an interesting and satisfying work with good mood and desire to work. According to statistics, 70 percent of people want to have a congenial employment. Uninteresting work leads to nervous breakdowns and irritability. For example, if someone admits that money is the only reason for his life, he can end up spending a third of his time on work that he hates, and most of his life because focusing only on money leads to obsession. Thus, job satisfaction is most essential as compared to higher salary as it gives people a sense of fulfilment which no money can guarantee. Secondly, there is a direct relation between job satisfaction and productivity. As a rule, a person can get a high salary for anything that is done well, since challenging and demanding work is always required. A congenial employment helps to achieve a person of goals in life and increase income at his favourite job. For instance, many researchers are famous and popular not because of appealing wages, but because of their passion and interest. On balance, an interesting and satisfying job gives motivation to human development and desire to earn. To conclude, I strongly believe that a job should bring satisfaction, calmness and pleasure, and if a person chooses satisfaction over money, money will come eventually.
It Is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
offering higher salary is more advantageous than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
. I completely disagree with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
plays a pivotal role as compared to remuneration.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will go to an interesting and satisfying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mood and desire to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. According to statistics, 70 percent of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to have a congenial employment. Uninteresting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
leads to nervous breakdowns and irritability.
For example
, if someone admits that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason for his life, he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up spending a third of his time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that he hates, and most of his life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
focusing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
leads to obsession.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
is most essential as compared to higher salary as it gives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
which no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can guarantee.

Secondly
, there is a direct relation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
and productivity. As a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high salary for anything that
is done
well, since challenging and demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is always required. A congenial employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to achieve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
of goals in life and increase income at his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
researchers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
and popular not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of appealing wages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their passion and interest. On balance, an interesting and satisfying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
gives motivation to human development and desire to earn.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
should bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
, calmness and pleasure, and if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
chooses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
satisfaction
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
eventually
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful for old people. However, this section of population is the fewer users of mobile phones and the Internet. In what ways can mobile phones and the Internet be useful to the old people? How can the old people be v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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