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Which would you choose: a higher pay job with long hours or an average pay job with normal work hours? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details. v.1

Which would you choose: a higher pay job with long hours or an average pay job with normal work hours? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details. v. 1
In order to nurture a child’s optimum intellectual development, a growing number of parents spend money on purchasing numerous toys for their children. While some people believe that this is beneficial to children, there are some drawbacks worth considering. This essay will discuss the pros and cons for children having lots of playthings to play with. With regards to the kind and quantity of toys that the parents are providing, there are several reasons why it has clear advantages to children. First of all, toys which are providing educational purposes, engaging the child’s senses and those that spark their imaginations are the best toys for children. For instance, Lego blocks can help preschoolers learn letters, numbers and shapes and enhance hand-eye coordination and body balance. For older ones, scrabbles can enhance vocabulary, idea and word generation processing. However, regardless of the quantity, as long as these types of toys are given, children can be assured benefiting from it. On the other hand, I believe that it can be confusing to have various kinds of toys with different types as these can have an adverse effect on the learning development of children such as distraction from their studies and other activities. According to an official survey, children aged 8 to 16, who were given a huge number of toys were much less inclined in their studies than those who were provided by few toys. Moreover, other negative effects such as dullness and restlessness can be observed from thiss situation as children can easily be fed up and exhausted with having so much choice. As a conclusion, weighing up the both sides of the argument, the kind and quantity of toys being provided to children will significantly affect their focus on their studies. With having right guidance and restriction from parents, children can have better and positive learning experiences throughout their childhood.
In order to nurture a child’s optimum intellectual development, a growing number of parents spend money on purchasing numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that this is beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks worth considering. This essay will discuss the pros and cons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
having lots of playthings to play with.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the kind and quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
that the parents are providing, there are several reasons why it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
advantages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
which are providing educational purposes, engaging the child’s senses and those that spark their imaginations are the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, Lego blocks can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
preschoolers learn letters, numbers and shapes and enhance hand-eye coordination and body balance. For older ones, scrabbles can enhance vocabulary,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and word generation processing.
However
, regardless of the quantity, as long as these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be assured
benefiting from it.

On the other hand
, I believe that it can be confusing to have various kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types as these can have an adverse effect on the learning development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as distraction from their studies and other activities. According to an official survey,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aged 8 to 16, who were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
were much less inclined in their studies than those who
were provided
by few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
.
Moreover
, other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects such as dullness and restlessness can
be observed
from
Possible spelling mistake found.
thiss
situation as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
easily
be fed
up and exhausted with having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much choice.

As a conclusion, weighing up the both sides of the argument, the kind and quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
being provided
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
significantly
affect their focus on their studies. With having right guidance and restriction from parents,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have better and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
learning experiences throughout their childhood.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Which would you choose: a higher pay job with long hours or an average pay job with normal work hours? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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