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Which technology has made the greatest impact on people’s life in your country: airplane, computer or television? v.1

Which technology has made the greatest impact on people’s life in your country: airplane, computer or television? v. 1
Some people opine that developed countries ought to contribute economic assistance to underdeveloped nations for well-being, while others think that it is the duty of growing democracy to aid those benefits. Whilst a discussion of both these views is worthwhile, I am a supporter of the former view. On the one hand, the wealthy nations are economically strong to provide support for the weaker countries. That is to say that they have more funds and they can start their business in poorer nations to help the people by providing job opportunities for them. By this way, people can survive in that society with their earnings. For example, Microsoft company has decided to set their base in poorer countries like South America and South Africa to provide work for the locals. In my opinion, I think it is the responsibility of the developed countries to show their helping hands for the under-privileged society. On the other hand, the developing society as to aid the approval of the poorer by sharing their resources. In other words, growing countries have the attention to worldwide and they can contribute some fund for the weaker community. Furthermore, they can send their knowledgeable scholars to educate the people in those countries. For instance, people from India are offering their services such as medical needs, educational aids to privileged nations to assist them. However, I do not agree with this notion because they are developing countries and sharing their own resource may bring down their country's growth. In conclusion, although some people consider that developing nations can aid services by sharing their funds and educators to poorer countries, I believe it is the duty of the developed countries by starting their project and provide jobs for locals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
ought to contribute economic assistance to underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
for well-being, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is the duty of growing democracy to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
those benefits. Whilst a discussion of both these views is worthwhile, I am a supporter of the former view.

On the one hand, the wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
are
economically
strong to provide support for the weaker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
That is
to say that they have more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
funds and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their business in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by providing job opportunities for them. By this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can survive in that society with their earnings.
For example
, Microsoft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
has decided to set their base in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like South America and South Africa to provide work for the locals. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is the responsibility of the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their helping hands for the under-privileged society.

On the other hand
, the developing society as to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
the approval of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
by sharing their resources.
In other words
, growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have the attention to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
worldwide and
they can contribute
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fund for the weaker community.
Furthermore
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their knowledgeable scholars to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from India are offering their services such as medical needs, educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aids
to privileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
to assist them.
However
, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and sharing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
resource may bring down their country's growth.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aid
services by sharing their funds and educators to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, I believe it is the duty of the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
by starting their project and provide jobs for locals
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which technology has made the greatest impact on people’s life in your country: airplane, computer or television? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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