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Which one is better? parents have to ask the older children to take care of younger children or they must take care of them by themselves. v.1

Which one is better? parents have to ask the older children to take care of younger children or they must take care of them by themselves. v. 1
All over the world women are providing day care for a family, such as preparing meals every day, cleaning their house, cooking every meal, take care of children, washing the dishes after use and do the laundry. The general view that women ought to do it that it is women’s duties. Otherwise, men are a responsibility to earn the money for a family. Even men don’t like them to go to work. They expect their wives to focus on increasing their children. As far as I am concerned, I disagree that women are better at childcare than men. Firstly, one of the main reasons why that I was raised by my father. I have a good upbringing because of him. He patiently taught me when I was growing up, he solved all of the homework problems. Even the reason is he got sick and he needs to go to the hospital three times a week, so he has to work at home. Otherwise, my mother has to go out to work for home economics. Men still can do pretty well as taking care of children and do the housework, not only women's responsibility to do it, especially in a different situation happened. Secondly, nowadays, most women are eager to be a stronger business woman, not only focus on their family, and they are able to earn lots of money more than men. As a result, men may decision to focus more on children’s upbringing and do more housework for their family after they had a communication. In conclusion, however, who take care of children, we should not focus on it is women’s responsibility to raising children upbringing. We should be understanding who do this duty is a best choice and share the responsibilities for their family, that it will become children’s pride and joy. Also, share the responsibility can assist with couple’s relationship, seems something connect with each other.
All over the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are providing day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, such as preparing meals every day, cleaning their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, cooking every meal, take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, washing the dishes after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and do the laundry. The general view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
ought to do it that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
duties.
Otherwise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to earn the money for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
don’t like them to go to work. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
their wives to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on increasing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As far as I
am concerned
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are better at childcare than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Firstly
, one of the main reasons why that I
was raised
by my father. I have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
upbringing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of him. He
patiently
taught me when I was growing up, he solved
Consider using "all the".
all of the
homework problems. Even the reason is he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sick and
he needs to go to the hospital three times a week,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work at home.
Otherwise
, my mother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
go out to work for home economics.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
still
can do pretty well as taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and do the housework, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to do it,
especially
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situation happened.

Secondly
, nowadays, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are eager to be a stronger business woman, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, and they are able to earn lots of money more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
may decision to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
upbringing and do more housework for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
after they had a communication.

In conclusion
,
however
, who take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, we should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
focus
on it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
upbringing. We should
The verb 'understanding' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
be understanding
who do this duty is
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best choice and share the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, that it will become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
pride and joy.
Also
, share the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
can assist with couple’s relationship, seems something connect with each other.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Which one is better? parents have to ask the older children to take care of younger children or they must take care of them by themselves. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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