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Some people take the view that older children can take care of younger children, some others may hold the view that taking care of children should be done by other adults. v.1

Some people take the view that older children can take care of younger children, some others may hold the view that taking care of children should be done by other adults. v. 1
Considering the competitive world that we are currently living, parents are obliged to have full-time jobs in order to provide basic necessities of life. Accordingly, they are in a dilemma whether they should put the task of taking care of young children on the shoulder of the older ones or not. I adamantly believe that taking care of the children should not be done by the older children. First and foremost, children are not mature enough to take care of other members of the family especially younger children. They do not have well-rounded information to protect the children. As matter of fact, they have limited knowledge regarding what is appropriate and what is harmful to the children. Considering two children who are alone at home as an example. The older one turns the television on to amuse himself and his brother but since he cannot evaluate whether a specific show is appropriate or not, he decides to watch a show which is full of violence and inappropriate languages. Consequently, this decision could have various pernicious severe impacts on the behavior of them. More importantly, there are various internal and external factors which can easily distract children. Admittedly, children readily forget about their responsibility because of availability of various distraction. According to a report in the Hamshari newspaper which I have recently read. A mother of the family left home for ten minutes in order to go shopping and said to Ahmad, her ten years old child, to take care of his five years old brother. While Ahmad was watching his favorite cartoon on the television, his brother woke up and when wanted to come down the stair he felt and unfortunately it made irreversible damage to his brain. The child could not walk or talk in his life anymore. This example illustrates that children are lack of the protecting capability. In a nutshell, I truly believe that children should not shoulder the responsibility of protecting the younger children. It could have various detrimental consequences because they are not developed mentally and physically and the likelihood of neglecting their responsibility is a lot.
Considering the competitive world that we are
currently
living, parents
are obliged
to have full-time jobs in order to provide
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of life.
Accordingly
, they are in a dilemma whether they should put the task of taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on the shoulder of the older ones or not. I
adamantly
believe that taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
be done
by the older children.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of other members of the family
especially
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They do not have well-rounded information to protect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As matter of fact, they have limited knowledge regarding what is appropriate and what is harmful to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Considering two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are alone at home as an example. The older one turns the television on to amuse himself and his brother
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
since he cannot evaluate whether a specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
is appropriate or not, he decides to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
which is full of violence and inappropriate languages.
Consequently
, this decision could have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
pernicious severe impacts on the behavior of them.

More
importantly
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
internal and external factors which can
easily
distract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
readily
forget about their responsibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of availability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
distraction. According to a report in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hamshari
newspaper which I have recently read. A mother of the family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
home for ten minutes in order to go shopping and said to Ahmad, her ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
child, to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of his five years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
brother. While Ahmad was watching his favorite cartoon on the television, his brother woke up and when wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
down the stair he felt and unfortunately it made irreversible damage to his brain. The child could not walk or talk in his life anymore. This example illustrates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are lack of the protecting capability.

In a nutshell, I
truly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not shoulder the responsibility of protecting the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It could have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
detrimental consequences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not developed mentally and
physically
and the likelihood of neglecting their responsibility is a lot.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people take the view that older children can take care of younger children, some others may hold the view that taking care of children should be done by other adults. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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