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Which of the following would you choose? A job with regular salary and regular working hours OR a job with high salary but long working hours? v.1

Which of the following would you choose? A job with regular salary and regular working hours OR a job with high salary but long working hours? v. 1
Many are of the opinion the male inclination towards violence is the root of many international conflicts and societies ruled by women might be more peaceful. In my opinion, this is likely true. The reason that some oppose this seemingly sexist viewpoint is based on past examples of female leaders. The sample size is much smaller but leaders like Margaret Thatcher, Cleopatra, Hilary Clinton, Condoleezza Rice, Queen Elisabeth I, Joan D’Arc and countless others have started, maintained, and escalated violent conflicts. There are very few examples of peaceful female leaders and those that exist can be matched proportionally with male leaders. The claim that women are more peaceful is not supported by historical evidence. A major caveat is that these are the exceptions and women rulers have held power in a world otherwise dominated by male hierarchy. It is impossible to know how peaceful the world would be if women held the majority of powerful positions. Furthermore, men are naturally predisposed towards aggression. This stems from both biology and society. Men produce more testosterone than women and this has been shown to increase aggressive tendencies and violent behaviour. Men can curb this instinct, but it has the potential to undermine their better nature at any moment. There are also societal forces at work that play on men’s pride. From a young age, boys are raised to be tough, to not back down, to not compromise and to idealise violent heroes. The majority of male role models are violent, ranging from historic figures to action stars and even videogame characters. It is hard to disentangle the roles of nature and nurture clearly, but the end product of their combination is clear for both males and females. In conclusion, males are more violent and women would likely be more peaceful given the opportunity to rule wisely. The question of the desirability of ending all conflicts and its global impact is another matter.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
are of the opinion the male inclination towards violence is the root of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
international conflicts and societies ruled by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
might be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peaceful
. In my opinion, this is likely true.

The reason that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
oppose this
seemingly
sexist viewpoint
is based
on past examples of female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
. The sample size is much smaller
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
like Margaret Thatcher, Cleopatra, Hilary Clinton,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Condoleezza
Rice, Queen Elisabeth I, Joan D’Arc and countless others have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, maintained, and escalated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
conflicts. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few examples of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peaceful
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
and those that exist can
be matched
proportionally
with male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leaders
. The claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peaceful
is not supported by historical evidence. A major caveat is that these are the exceptions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
rulers have held power in a world
otherwise
dominated by male hierarchy. It is impossible to know how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peaceful
the world would be if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
held the majority of powerful positions.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
naturally
predisposed towards aggression. This stems from both biology and society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
produce more testosterone than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and this has
been shown
to increase aggressive tendencies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Men
can curb this instinct,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has the potential to undermine their better nature at any moment. There are
also
societal forces at work that play on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
pride. From a young age, boys
are raised
to be tough, to not back down, to not compromise and to
Possible spelling mistake. 'idealise' is British English.
idealise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
heroes. The majority of male role models are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
, ranging from historic figures to action stars and even
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogame
characters. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to disentangle the roles of nature and nurture
clearly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
product of their combination is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and females.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
would likely be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peaceful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
wisely
. The question of the desirability of ending all conflicts and its global impact is another matter.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Which of the following would you choose? A job with regular salary and regular working hours OR a job with high salary but long working hours? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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