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Which do you think is the more important quality for someone to be successful, taking risks or making safe decisions? Please give your reasons. v.1

Which do you think is the more important quality for someone to be successful, taking risks or making safe decisions? Please give your reasons. v. 1
It is argued that volunteering should be made part of the school curriculum. This essay agrees with that suggestion completely because of the benefits it brings to pupils. The essay will first look at how voluntary work can help students develop soft skills and then discuss how these extracurricular activities are valued by universities and employers. Education should not be limited to strictly academic pursuits and those in education should also develop life skills, such as teamwork, empathy and self-discipline, and one of the best ways to hone these aptitudes is through community service. Serving those less fortunate than ourselves teaches us many lessons including how to work with people from other backgrounds and the value of hard work. For example, I personally volunteered to spend 6 weeks in Africa teaching disadvantaged children and this led to a much higher work ethic when I returned to my studies. Many colleges and companies are also increasingly looking for this type of experience. Most school leavers have the same grades and charitable works can help set you apart from the herd. For example, Cambridge and Oxford receive thousands of applications from straight-A students every year and can only accept a small percentage of applicants. What you have done outside the classroom is often the thing that differentiates you from everyone else and gets you that coveted spot. In conclusion, teenagers should be made to partake in unpaid work as part of their schooling because it will help them learn things they wouldn’t ordinarily learn from their teachers and it will also boost their chances of getting into third level education.
It
is argued
that volunteering should
be made
part of the school curriculum. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with that suggestion completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
The word 'benefits' contains a ligature (joined letters). Modern English does not usually use ligatures. A ligature in a word causes a spelling error. If the word is an English word, write it with standard characters.
benefits
it brings to pupils. The essay will
The word 'first' contains a ligature (joined letters). Modern English does not usually use ligatures. A ligature in a word causes a spelling error. If the word is an English word, write it with standard characters.
first
look at how voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students develop soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and then discuss how these extracurricular activities
are valued
by universities and employers.

Education should not
be limited
to
strictly
academic pursuits and those in education should
also
develop life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as teamwork, empathy and self-discipline, and one of the best ways to hone these aptitudes is through community service. Serving those less fortunate than ourselves teaches us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
lessons including how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from other backgrounds and the value of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For example
, I
personally
volunteered to spend 6 weeks in Africa teaching disadvantaged children and this led to a much higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
ethic when I returned to my studies.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
colleges and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are
also
increasingly
looking for this type of experience. Most
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leavers
have the same grades and charitable works can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
set you apart from the herd.
For example
, Cambridge and Oxford receive thousands of applications from straight-A students every year and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
accept a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
percentage of applicants. What you have done outside the classroom is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
the thing that
The word 'differentiates' contains a ligature (joined letters). Modern English does not usually use ligatures. A ligature in a word causes a spelling error. If the word is an English word, write it with standard characters.
differentiates
you from everyone else and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
you that coveted spot.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
be made
to partake in unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as part of their schooling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them learn things they wouldn’t
ordinarily
learn from their teachers and it will
also
boost their chances of getting into third level education.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which do you think is the more important quality for someone to be successful, taking risks or making safe decisions? Please give your reasons. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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