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Modern cultures around the world have become similar when compared to the past. What are the reasons? Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

Modern cultures around the world have become similar when compared to the past. What are the reasons? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
It is considered by some that inborn talent is the key to excel in sports, while there are others who thinks that it is important to work hard and practice regularly to achieve the same. However, while I believe that natural skill is beneficial to acquire success, determination and training is also necessary. With regard to natural flair, having good genes is never is never an unfortunate thing, but what one does with that is the bigger question. Certain sports require innate skills which cannot be gained through hard work or practice. For example, height is important for basketball players, muscle size and strength are critical for sprinting and running. On the other hand, perseverance and practice can shrink down the difference between the talented and talentless. Research has shown that children born with athletic skills tend to lose these skills if they discontinue the practice over time. Nonetheless, natural skill can be considered as fuel for the fire that will kick start one towards success, but without vigorous practice, things do not go the way one would expect to be. Although, in some cases, hard working individuals can develop a certain flair or skills. To sum up, hard work beats talent when talent does not work hard. In sports, to achieve success, there are certain qualities that can hold greater value than aptitude alone, which are desire, persistence and commitment. It is not impossible for a person with normal intelligence or athletic ability to learn to develop a certain attribute or accomplish an activity with sufficient and regular practice.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that inborn talent is the key to excel in sports, while there are others who
Did you mean "think"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'others' should be used.
thinks
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
regularly
to achieve the same.
However
, while I believe that natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
is beneficial to acquire success, determination and training is
also
necessary.

With regard to natural flair, having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
genes
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "is never".
is never is never
an unfortunate thing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
what one does with
that is
the bigger question.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Certain
sports require innate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which cannot
be gained
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
.
For example
, height is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for basketball players, muscle size and strength are critical for sprinting and running.

On the other hand
, perseverance and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
can shrink down the difference between the talented and
Possible spelling mistake found.
talentless
. Research has shown that children born with athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
tend to lose these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
if they discontinue the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
over time. Nonetheless, natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
can
be considered
as fuel for the fire that will kick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
one towards success,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without vigorous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
, things do not go the way one would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
to be. Although, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
individuals can develop a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
flair or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
beats talent when talent does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
. In sports, to achieve success, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
qualities that can hold greater value than aptitude alone, which are desire, persistence and commitment. It is not impossible for a person with normal intelligence or athletic ability to learn to develop a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
attribute or accomplish an activity with sufficient and regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practice
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Modern cultures around the world have become similar when compared to the past. What are the reasons? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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