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Which do you think is the best way for students to make new friends? A. Joining a sports team; B. Participating in community activities. C. Traveling. v.2

Which do you think is the best way for students to make new friends? A. Joining a sports team; B. Participating in community activities. C. Traveling. v. 2
In modern society, it is believed that we can make friends in various way. Which way is the best has become a hot-debated one. Some people hold the view of point that participating in community activities is the most beneficial, others advocate to build friendship through traveling can be considered as the best. From my perspective, joining a sports team that can be most favorable for students. First of all, participating in community activities sometimes is not suitable for every student. It is conceivable that if you live in a big community, you can easily grab the precious opportunities to participant in different kinds of activities, such as BBQ, flea market, etc. But for students in China, you will recognize that the fact that they all pressured by the school work and posses little time after school to be committed to the community. In addition, it is undeniable the society structure is different from other countries in western countries. More tall building is setting on the roads, living small family, and the community is mainly composed by strangers, who even never say “Hello”to each other. In an aloof atmosphere, it is difficulty to assemble people to join activities in community. Moreover, traveling is also a suitable way for students to make news friends. Admittedly, students often participant in some traveling during their vocation, but we should notice that at most situation, making friends in traveling is risky, to some extent. It is not uncommon that traveler be deceived by strangers during their trip. Away from hometown, students should pay attention the surroundings and build the ability to taking care of themselves, so they’d better accompany with familiar classmates, and enjoy their traveling. In this point, joining a sports team must be the best way to build friendship with others. Students always join one sports team for their own interest, so the possibility to meet students with same interest will increased. If students can take part in sports together, they will obtain more chance to interact with each other, especially when they are preparing for the competition. Then, they will have the same topic and can fight for the same target. In this process, they can share happiness and release depression with each other. And when they finally get a good score in the competition, it is more likely to deepen their friendship. I will never forget the memory that I play football with my classmates together, and owing to this experience, I appreciate the friendship gained from this very much. From what has been discussed above, we can safely draw a conclusion that joining a sports team should be the best way to develop new friendship with others for students. And the relationship will never fade in the future.
In modern society, it
is believed
that we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends in various way.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
way is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
has become a hot-debated one.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold the view of point that participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is the most beneficial, others advocate to build
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
through traveling can
be considered
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
. From my perspective, joining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
that can be most favorable for students.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
is not suitable for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
. It is conceivable that if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
, you can
easily
grab the precious opportunities to participant in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, such as BBQ, flea market, etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in China, you will recognize that the fact that they all pressured by the school work and posses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time after school to
be committed
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
In addition
, it is undeniable the society structure is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries in western countries. More tall building is setting on the roads, living
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
family, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is
mainly
composed by strangers, who even never say “Hello
There should be a space after a closing quote.
”to
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. In an aloof atmosphere, it is difficulty to assemble
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in community.

Moreover
, traveling is
also
a suitable way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
news friends.
Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
participant in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
traveling during their vocation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we should notice that at most situation, making friends in traveling is risky, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. It is not uncommon that traveler
be deceived
by strangers during their trip. Away from hometown,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should pay attention the surroundings and build the ability to taking care of themselves,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they’d better
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompany by".
accompany with
familiar classmates, and enjoy their traveling.

In this point, joining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way to build
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
with others.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interest,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the possibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with same interest will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "increase"
increased
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
together, they will obtain more chance to interact with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
,
especially
when they are preparing for the competition. Then, they will have the same topic and can fight for the same target. In this process, they can share happiness and release depression with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. And when they
finally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
score in the competition, it is more likely to deepen their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
. I will never forget the memory that I play football with my classmates together, and owing to this experience, I appreciate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
gained from this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much.

From what has
been discussed
above, we can
safely
draw a conclusion that joining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
should be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way to develop new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendship
with others for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. And the relationship will never fade in the future.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which do you think is the best way for students to make new friends? A. Joining a sports team; B. Participating in community activities. C. Traveling. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
459 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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