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whether or not someone achieve their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

whether or not someone achieve their aims is mostly a question of luck. v. 1
The world, as we know it, is filled with people suffering from various diseases and are being treated in the hospitals whilst spending loads of money. Seldom we realize that all these troubles could have been avoided at a much earlier stage and the quality of life would have been much better compared to that they are leading today. I completely support the fact that taking precautions is a lot better than getting treated for the problems. To begin with, every soul breathing on this planet dreams of a happy life which can be easily achieved by possessing a healthy body. Just like we teach our generation to wear a seat belt before starting to drive, we can also inculcate healthy habits into them from the early ages. This would prove to be the best gift to the younger generation you can ever offer. Leading a healthy and prosperous life can be achieved by adopting good eating styles, regular exercising and proper sleep patterns – there is no need to see a doctor or eat grouse medicines when you can easily switch to simpler and efficient ways. Moreover, the treatment not only brings an un-natural environment, but also costs a whole lot of money. The monies spent in hospitals accounts for a large part of the monthly earnings. The tables can simply be turned around and a lot of cash can be saved by taking measures that do not lead to diseases. The earning saved from the bills may be used towards a much better lifestyle and relaxation while keeping the family members happier rather than jumping to and fro between hospital and home. Additionally, the exorbitant expenditure on the medical bills can be utilized towards more healthy procedures such as fitness clubs, organic foods and air purifiers. This would account for only a fraction of the total costs of the treatment bills, but would actually improve the lifestyle and keeping one energetic at the same time. To conclude, even when the remedies are available, it is rather better to follow a path which keeps us away from the paws of sorrow.
The world, as we know it,
is filled
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffering from various diseases and are
being treated
in the hospitals whilst spending loads of money.
The adverb 'Seldom' is usually not used at the beginning of a sentence.
Seldom
we realize that all these troubles could have
been avoided
at a much earlier stage and the quality of life would have been much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
compared to that they are leading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. I completely support the fact that taking precautions is a lot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
than getting treated for the problems.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, every soul breathing on this planet dreams of a happy life which can be
easily
achieved by possessing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
body.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
like we teach our generation to wear a seat belt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting to drive, we can
also
inculcate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
habits into them from the early ages. This would prove to be the best gift to the younger generation you can ever offer. Leading a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and prosperous life can
be achieved
by adopting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
eating styles, regular exercising and proper sleep patterns
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
there is no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a doctor or eat grouse medicines when you can
easily
switch to simpler and efficient ways.

Moreover
, the treatment not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
brings an
Possible spelling mistake found.
un-natural
environment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
costs a
Consider using "lot".
whole lot
of money. The monies spent in hospitals accounts for a large part of the monthly earnings. The tables can
simply
be turned
around and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cash can
be saved
by taking measures that do not lead to diseases.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
earning saved from the bills may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
towards a much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
lifestyle and relaxation while keeping the family members happier
rather
than jumping to and fro between hospital and home.

Additionally
, the exorbitant expenditure on the medical bills can
be utilized
towards more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
procedures such as fitness clubs, organic foods and air purifiers. This would account for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a fraction of the total costs of the treatment bills,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
would actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the lifestyle and keeping one energetic at the same time.

To conclude
, even when the remedies are available, it is
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
to follow a path which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
us away from the paws of sorrow.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay whether or not someone achieve their aims is mostly a question of luck. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
352 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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