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Where is a good place to have fun in your city or town? Describe this place and explain why it is fun. v.1

Where is a good place to have fun in your city or town? Describe this place and explain why it is fun. v. 1
In recent years, the demand for manual labour has dropped due to the improving of technology and automation. As a result, working hours should be decreased and I think it is a workable method of developing. In many industries, a lot of jobs which cannot be done by people, are performed through the use of auto machines. Because human can not do some acts as robots can do quickly. For instance, robots are extremely sophisticated computers that are created in order to help elderly people, to ease some works, saving time. As a result, the lifestyle is being more simple than before. People should just control over them. Therefore, due to the automation of industries, mostly, working hours should be reduced and giving more free time for workers, would be honest. However, there is one opposite point of increasing technology, although it is not the most significant. It is common that tools are manufactured for a certain period of time. That is why they should be changed to another new when they are useless. So it is evident that machines are able to work the whole day. If there will be a reduction of working hours, company may not achieve its goals, high quality and mostly may not make any income. To sum up, most industries should shorten working hours in order to employ more man power, achieving high quality. In short, advantages of reducing working hours, outweigh its drawbacks.
In recent years, the demand for manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
has dropped due to the improving of technology and automation.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
should
be decreased
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
workable
method of developing.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
jobs which cannot
be done
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
are performed
through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of auto machines.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
human can not do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
acts as robots can do
quickly
.
For instance
, robots are
extremely
sophisticated computers that
are created
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
works, saving time.
As a result
, the lifestyle is being
This adjective uses the short comparatives form.
more simple
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
control over them.
Therefore
, due to the automation of industries,
mostly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and giving more free time for workers, would be honest.

However
, there is one opposite point of increasing technology, although it is not the most significant. It is common that tools
are manufactured
for a certain period of time.
That is
why they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
to another new when they are useless.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is evident that machines are able to work the whole day. If there will be a reduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
may not achieve its goals, high quality and
mostly
may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any income.

To sum up, most industries should shorten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in order to employ more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
power, achieving high quality. In short, advantages of reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, outweigh its drawbacks.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Where is a good place to have fun in your city or town? Describe this place and explain why it is fun. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
240 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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