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When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuals who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuals who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. with this opinion? v. 1
Nowadays, the debate about giving payment to employee is becoming increasingly popular. Some people think, that higher salary should be given to the people, who graduated from university rather than, who do not. They, not only invest a lot of money in Education, but also occupy high skilful and stressful jobs. In my opinion, more dollars should be introduced to the highly educated employee. Workers, who have completed their Education, spend plenty of money. They need to pay for the accomodation and transportation. As well as, buy materials and take private courses. In fact, the last Harvard university research has concluded, that majority of people put about 80% of their savings in Education. For these reasons, it is a paramount rule to give these people more money than others. They also occupy high skilful and stressful jobs. If the do not get enough salary, they will not do their jobs immaculately. Furthermore, they have not to work over time to get more money, because their workers deal with guarding souls. For instance, doctors and scientists exert great efforts to protect and cure patients from epidemics and diseases. Moreover, engineers build infrastructure, which is a critical job. Therefore, if These professionals do not earn enough money, many people may lose their lives. In conclusion, there is no denying how important role money plays in people lives. Although some people believe that highly educated employee have to get more money, others think that everyone should take the same amount. People who finished their universal studies have spent most of their money during their Education. In addition to, their jobs pressurize them. From my point of view, it is fair to give highly educated workers more money than other people.
Nowadays, the debate about giving payment to employee is becoming
increasingly
popular.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, that higher salary should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
graduated from university
rather
than,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not. They, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
invest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
occupy high
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
and stressful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. In my opinion, more dollars should
be introduced
to the
highly
educated employee.

Workers,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have completed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
, spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. They need to pay for the
Possible spelling mistake found.
accomodation
and transportation.
As well
as,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
materials and take private courses. In fact, the last
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
research has concluded, that majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put about 80% of their savings in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
. For these reasons, it is a paramount
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
to give these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
than others.

They
also
occupy high
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
and stressful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. If
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'do' is correct. If 'do' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the do
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
salary, they will not do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
immaculately
.
Furthermore
, they have not to work
Did you mean "overtime" (=time someone works beyond normal working hours)?
over time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their workers deal with guarding souls.
For instance
, doctors and scientists exert great efforts to protect and cure patients from epidemics and diseases.
Moreover
, engineers build infrastructure, which is a critical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Therefore
, if These professionals do not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may lose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, there is no denying how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
plays in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
lives
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
highly
educated employee
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that everyone should take the same amount.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
finished their universal studies have spent most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
.
In addition
to, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
pressurize them. From my point of view, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to give
highly
educated workers more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay When the time comes to commence full-time employment, individuals who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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