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22. Successful sports professional can earn a great deal of money than people in other important profession. Some people think it is fully justify. Other think it is unfair. Discuss both views. Give your own opinion. Include relevant example from your own knowledge. v.1

22. Successful sports professional can earn a great deal of money than people in other important profession. Some people think it is fully justify. Other think it is unfair. Give your own opinion. Include relevant example from your own knowledge. v. 1
It is the fact that famous sport players are paid with extremely high salary worldwide. Some people support this; while, others believe it is unfair for other professionals in our societies. I personally agree with the former. The essay will discuss both views and presents my own opinion. To begin with, firstly, sport celebrities should be paid with huge salary because it takes a long journey for them to become famous globally. The majority of them start their training in their early childhood and left their families behind them. They went through the tough process which ordinary citizens are unable to tolerate. Secondly, they convey the optimistic spirit, become role models and take leadership responsibilities in our communities.  Last but not the least, they are hired by magnates which make extremely large profit from sports events; as a result,  they should be rewarded well as well. However, others believe that sports celebrities should not be pain such a huge amount of money for their jobs. Firstly, sports professionals merely provide entertainment to our lives.  The role of this professional in our societies may not be necessary as compared with other professionals, such as nurses, teachers, policemen, and so on. Without the latter's contribution, our societies won't function properly and won't provide harmonious living environments for citizens. hey may advocate that the latter occupations should deserve high payment. In my opinion, I support that it is fair for famous sports players to receive extremely high salaries because the above reasons. For example, renowned retired Olympic athlete, Jingjing Guo, has become a significant character in China. Moreover, she becomes the icon for many Chinese females and encourage them to pursue their dreams in the reality.   Therefore, she deserves to be rewarded with huge fee when she is invited to play in some commercial advertisements.
It is the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
players
are paid
with 
extremely
high salary worldwide.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
support this; while, others believe it is unfair for other professionals in our societies. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former. The essay will discuss both views and presents my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
celebrities should
be paid
with huge salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
 it takes a long journey for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
globally. The majority of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their training in their early childhood and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their families behind them. They went through the tough process which ordinary citizens are unable to tolerate.
Secondly
, they convey the optimistic spirit,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
role models and take leadership responsibilities in our communities.  Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, they
are hired
by magnates which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
extremely
large profit from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
;
as a result
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
they should
be rewarded
well
as well
.

However
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
celebrities should not be pain such a huge amount of money for their jobs.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
professionals
merely
provide entertainment to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.  The role of this professional in our societies may not be necessary as compared with other professionals, such as nurses, teachers, policemen, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Without the latter's contribution, our societies won't function
properly
and won't provide harmonious living environments for citizens.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
hey
may advocate that the latter occupations should deserve high payment.

In my opinion, I support that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players to receive
extremely
high salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the above reasons.
For example
, renowned retired Olympic athlete,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jingjing
Possible spelling mistake found.
Guo
, has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a significant character in China.
Moreover
, she
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
the icon for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Chinese females and encourage them to pursue their dreams in the reality.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Therefore
, she deserves to 
be rewarded
with huge fee when she
is invited
to play in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
commercial advertisements.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay 22. Successful sports professional can earn a great deal of money than people in other important profession. Some people think it is fully justify. Other think it is unfair. Give your own opinion. Include relevant example from your own knowledge. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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