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When people move to another country some of them decide to follow the customs of the new country Others prefer to keep their own customs Compare these two choices Which one do you prefer Support your answer with specific details v.2

When people move to another country some of them decide to follow the customs of the new country Others prefer to keep their own customs Compare these two choices Which one do you prefer Support your answer with specific details v. 2
It is commonly believed that famous people, who are more well known for their luxury lifestyle and wealth than the achievement of their career, can be negative influences to children. In my opinion, I agree that celebrities can be seen as a bad role model for young people; however, they are some good famous people that also inspire young people to be successful in life according to their wealth and glamorous life. According to the advanced development of technology, children can more easily access media in multiple channels, namely mobile phone or television, which help widely expand the stories and show the leisure life of famous people to them, more than before. Nowadays, those media such as Instragram and Facebook can show the detail of the personal life of famous people that influence young people in negative ways. For example, Instragram can broadcast the live video of celebrities who spend extravagant money on unnecessary goods. This kind of behaviour sets a bad example for those children for spending their parents’ income on expensive stuff. However, some celebrities can also be a good role model for adolescent due to their achievement. For instance, Liza, a famous Thai singer in Korea girl group brand, started chasing her dream since she was fifteen years old. She has the largest number of followers in the Instragram, most of whom are children in Thailand, according to her high-end fashion and glamorous life. In addition, to have luxury lifestyle, Liza explained to her followers that she are required to work hard for ten years before finally successful in her career as a popular singer. Furthermore, Liza also well known for her humble and generous for donating a large amount of money to school in the rural area in Thailand, which results in larger public attention for a problem in Thai education for young people in a suburban area. Therefore, this kind of example inspires young people in Thailand to work hard for their goal and contribute a positive impact to their country. In conclusion, although celebrities can be seen as a negative influence for their luxurious lifestyle, I agree that some famous people can be a positive effect on young people to follow and work hard to be successful in their career.
It is
commonly
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who are more well known for their luxury lifestyle and wealth than the achievement of their career, can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences to children.

In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
role model for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
;
however
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
also
inspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be successful in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
according to their wealth and glamorous life.

According to the advanced development of technology, children can more
easily
access media in multiple channels,
namely
mobile phone or television, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
widely
expand the stories and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to them, more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Nowadays, those media such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Instragram
and Facebook can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the detail of the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ways.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Instragram
can broadcast the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
video of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
who spend extravagant money on unnecessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
. This kind of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
sets a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example for those children for spending their parents’ income on expensive stuff.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can
also
be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role model for adolescent due to their achievement.
For instance
, Liza, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
Thai singer in Korea girl group brand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
chasing her dream since she was fifteen years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. She has the largest number of followers in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Instragram
, most of whom are children in Thailand, according to her high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
fashion and glamorous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
In addition
, to have luxury lifestyle, Liza
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
to her followers that she
are required
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
finally
successful in her career as a popular singer.
Furthermore
, Liza
also
well known for her humble and generous for donating a large amount of money to school in the rural area in Thailand, which results in larger public attention for a problem in Thai education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a suburban area.
Therefore
, this kind of example inspires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Thailand to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for their goal and contribute a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact to their country.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence for their luxurious lifestyle, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow and work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to be successful in their career.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay When people move to another country some of them decide to follow the customs of the new country Others prefer to keep their own customs Compare these two choices Which one do you prefer Support your answer with specific details v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
376 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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