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When in conflict, financially struggling school districts should offer classes in music rather than visual art. v.2

When in conflict, financially struggling school districts should offer classes in music rather than visual art. v. 2
A glance at teaching art in schools that are suffering from financial difficulty always bring light question that several times provoked discussions, that is, whether they have to invest their budget for music or visual art. Some people contend that if the school has only limitted choice for their art education, it should rather be invested for music class than painting or othe kinds of visual art class. However, I suggest that the choice should be visual art, in terms of cost saving and time efficiency. In the ensuing paragraph, I will try to shed some light on this point of view by providing amples examples and conpicuous reasons. The exquisite point to be mentioned firstly is that it is cheaper to teach visual art than teaching music. There is a research that proves this standpoint. The federal governmet of art education US investigated two groups of public schools on the total amount of money they spend for art education. The result showed that the group of schools where they decided to use their money for music class spent around 20, 000 dollars per year more than the group of schools who ran visaul art programs. This was due to the fact that musical instruments are expensive than buying tools needed for drawing or painting, and also shcools had to hire a music speciallist to sustain the condition of instruments, which cost them extra money. Another point to be mentioned is that the education on music takes more time than teaching visual art. For example, it takes from minimum of several months to years to become able to play Clarinet properly. Nevertheless, all students have ability to observe an apple and are capable of draw things on paper at a girst look, with few lines of instruction. This demonstrates that shcools who try to give musical classes to kids or students should start their course from lower grades, and it' s not appropriate for shcools where they are struggling with economic issues. Although the foregoing points cross the mind at a first sight, it does not mean that they are the only one. Actually, there is another subtle perspective which must be borne in mind. It should be noted that getting engaged in visual art classes releases stress much effectively than the music classes do. For example, I had both music class and painting class when I was in middle school. And music class was especially stressful for me because I was not good at singing nor at playing piano. Instead, all I was waiting for the whole week was the painting class, because the teacher let students draw whatever they want and that clearly helped me to relieve my worrysome thoughts. Due to the above mentioned ground, I firmly believe that schools where they are troubleshooting with financial problems should choose to give visual art classes than music classes, and economically acceessible tools and the benefit in time saving are two prime and momentous reasons.
A glance at teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
that are suffering from financial difficulty always bring light question that several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
provoked discussions,
that is
, whether they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
invest their budget for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contend that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Possible spelling mistake found.
limitted
choice for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, it should
rather
be invested
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
or
Possible spelling mistake found.
othe
kinds of visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
However
, I suggest that the choice should be visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, in terms of cost saving and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
efficiency. In the ensuing paragraph, I will try to shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
of view by providing
Possible spelling mistake found.
amples
examples and
Possible spelling mistake found.
conpicuous
reasons.

The exquisite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
to
be mentioned
firstly
is that it is cheaper to teach visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
than teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. There is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
that proves this standpoint. The federal
Possible spelling mistake found.
governmet
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
US investigated two groups of public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
on the total amount of money they spend for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. The result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
where they decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
spent around 20, 000 dollars per year more than the group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
who ran
Possible spelling mistake found.
visaul
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
programs. This was due to the fact that musical instruments are
Use "(expensive)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
expensive
than buying tools needed for drawing or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
, and
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
shcools
had to hire a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
Possible spelling mistake found.
speciallist
to sustain the condition of instruments, which cost them extra money.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
point
to
be mentioned
is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
takes more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than teaching visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
For example
, it takes from minimum of several months to years to become able to play Clarinet
properly
.
Nevertheless
, all students have ability to observe an apple and are capable of draw things on paper at a
Possible spelling mistake found.
girst
look, with few lines of instruction. This demonstrates that
Possible spelling mistake found.
shcools
who try to give musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
to kids or students should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their course from lower grades, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s not appropriate for
Possible spelling mistake found.
shcools
where they are struggling with economic issues.

Although the foregoing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
cross the mind at a
first
sight, it does not mean that they are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one. Actually, there is another subtle perspective which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be borne
in mind. It should
be noted
that getting engaged in visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
releases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
much
Use "(effectively)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
effectively
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
do.
For example
, I had both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
when I was in middle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
was
especially
stressful for me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I was not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at singing nor at playing piano.
Instead
, all I was waiting for the whole week was the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
painting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the teacher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
students draw whatever they want and that
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to relieve my
Possible spelling mistake found.
worrysome
thoughts.

Due to the above mentioned ground, I
firmly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
where they are troubleshooting with financial problems should choose to give visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, and
economically
Possible spelling mistake found.
acceessible
tools and the benefit in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
saving are two prime and momentous reasons.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
50Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
17Mistakes

IELTS essay When in conflict, financially struggling school districts should offer classes in music rather than visual art. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
496 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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