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When in conflict, financially struggling school districts should offer classes in music rather than visual art. v.1

When in conflict, financially struggling school districts should offer classes in music rather than visual art. v. 1
In the past, big families were more common than now, if one considers just Europe. Indeed, there were more than three children in each family. Instead, nowadays it’s rare to see big families, because couples decide to have children later in life. These families usually have children after their thirties or even forties. One reason for this could be that women had less independence in the past. That is, they did not work, did not earn an own salary, or stayed home until they married. An advantage is that women, now, have more autonomy than before. But they would find complications with maternity leave, such as losing the job. Another reason could be for financial stability. Couples likely deem this as necessary in order to ensure a comfortable life for them and for their children. A pro could be that they would not worry about being in debt. A disadvantage could be that they usually end up having just one child. One last reason could be that having children later in life permits people to live more freely and have the possibility to continue with higher education. An advantage could be not having any regrets about experiences one could have had. However, a disadvantage would be having few or no children at all. To sum up, at least in Europe people now prefer having children in their later lives because of more independence for women, the need for financial stability, the desire to have different experiences while young and to focus only on furthering education. One last disadvantage could be the reduction of the population by not procreating, but to me, the pros outweigh the cons.
In the past,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
were more common than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, if one considers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
Europe.
Indeed
, there were more than three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Instead
, nowadays it’s rare to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
couples decide to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
later in life. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
usually
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
after their thirties or even forties.

One reason for this could be that women had less independence in the past.
That is
, they did not work, did not earn an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
salary, or stayed home until they married. An advantage is that women,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, have more autonomy than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they would find complications with maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
, such as losing the job.

Another reason could be for financial stability. Couples likely deem this as necessary in order to ensure a comfortable life for them and for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. A pro could be that they would not worry about being in debt. A disadvantage could be that they
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one child.

One last reason could be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
later in life permits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more
freely
and have the possibility to continue with higher education. An advantage could be not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
any regrets about experiences one could have had.
However
, a disadvantage would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
few or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at all.

To sum up, at least in Europe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in their later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of more independence for women, the need for financial stability, the desire to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
experiences while young and to focus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on furthering education. One last disadvantage could be the reduction of the population by not procreating,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to me, the pros outweigh the cons.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay When in conflict, financially struggling school districts should offer classes in music rather than visual art. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
276 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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