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When giving feedbacks to students some teachers would like to talk to their students in person while some teachers would give written comments to students Which do you prefer and why v.1

When giving feedbacks to students some teachers would like to talk to their students in person while some teachers would give written comments to students Which do you prefer and why v. 1
Films and television series play a major role in affecting people's perspectives irrespective of their age group. Hence, I completely agree that the government has to put some restrictions on the films made, in order to control this phenomenon. In addition, the actors and actresses working in the film and television industries also have a major role to play in reducing the presence of violence in films. Firstly, we are living in an era where heroes and heroines are idolized by many people. Due to the rise in competition, the filmmakers are even willing to show rape and other violent crimes in the motion pictures to attract the audience. For instance, the movie "Perfume" depicts a story of a man who kills virgins to make unique perfumes. This movie was greatly praised by many all over the world for the uniqueness of the story. Although it is just a film, when the audience repeatedly sees these kind of cinema, they would have a tendency to feel the act which was once considered sinful to be normal, especially if this is acted out by one of their favourite actors. Hence, the actors have to avoid acting in films that promote rampage and other heinous crimes. Another important point as mentioned before is that the government has to impose some restrictions on the films that contain violence and fine has to be imposed on film makers that promote such activities through their films. Unnecessary scenes in the celluloid, that show these heinous crimes should be removed from the movie and the authorities should promote awareness regarding the ill effects that follow on committing such crimes. In conclusion, the government and actors have a major role to play in order to reduce the promotion of violence in films, which would indirectly change the view of the people.
Films and television series play a major role in affecting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's perspectives irrespective of their age group.
Hence
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions on the films made, in order to control this phenomenon.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
actors
and actresses working in the film and television industries
also
have a major role to play in reducing the presence of violence in films.

Firstly
, we are living in an era where heroes and heroines
are idolized
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Due to the rise in competition, the filmmakers are even willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
rape and other violent crimes in the motion pictures to attract the audience.
For instance
, the movie
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Perfume
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
depicts a story of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who kills virgins to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
unique perfumes. This movie was
greatly
praised by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
all over the world for the uniqueness of the story. Although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a film, when the audience
repeatedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of cinema, they would have a tendency to feel the act which was once considered sinful to be normal,
especially
if this
is acted
out by one of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
actors
.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
actors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
avoid acting in films that promote rampage and other heinous crimes.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
point as mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
impose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions on the films that contain violence and fine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be imposed
on film makers that promote such activities through their films. Unnecessary scenes in the celluloid, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
these heinous crimes should
be removed
from the movie and the authorities should promote awareness regarding the ill effects that follow on committing such crimes.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
actors
have a major role to play in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the promotion of violence in films, which would
indirectly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the view of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay When giving feedbacks to students some teachers would like to talk to their students in person while some teachers would give written comments to students Which do you prefer and why v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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